Yknow, I always thought I was better. Always thought “this time I’m happy now, actually though.” I thought I finally knew what is was like to be loved by your friends and appreciated. To finally feel important to the people around me as much as they’re important to me.
It was all fucking bullshit.
Every time I stand back and look around I realize how little I actually seem to matter to the people around me. I know this is me putting them in a negative viewpoint, but it’s the honest truth. I’m never the first person they reach out to. I’m never one of the first people invited. I always have to initiate to them and hang out with them if I wanna see them. I’m just an afterthought to people I consider the main party in my life. Even when I post suicidal things, they don’t reach out to me unless I reach out to them first. I hate everything and I hate everyone.
And the more I hate everyone the more I just hate myself for thinking this way and for feeling this way. I wish I just didn’t care. I wish my big heart that everyone admires about me just stopping beating and the blood running through my veins would pour out of me like the tears pouring out of my eyes.
I’m so done with everything. I’m so sick of everyone. I truly feel bad for thinking this way over the people that genuinely like me but also actions speak louder then words and I’m sick of hearing their pretty words hoping to make me feel better while they watch and do nothing to actually help.
I’ll be okay tomorrow though. And the next day and the day after that until I convince myself enough once again that I’m happy. And then I’ll see you all next year when the spell runs out again and I’m back where I started. If I can even make it another year this time.
2 comments
Interesting sub conversation in my head [You’ve posted four times, you don’t want to come across as needy, but also this hits a lot of buttons, might be important]
I get the big heart/wishing not to care. It’s so much of who I am, caring about the welfare of others, and it isn’t socially acceptable. The worse for me, I’m a man, in my culture men just aren’t emotional. Then people are like; “Feminism, men and women can both have emotions”…. I wish.
Not enough that I want to write a new post for it; I really thought I was on track to liking myself. I was top of the class, published in research journals, living the good life of a future scientist, AAaaand slam went the doors of graduate school, and research jobs, and interesting jobs, so that all was left was the jobs no one else wants to do…. which don’t pay crap. I know grammatically that’s messed up, I’m angry. I gave my all. I was told that I was intelligent and sensitive, supposedly good attributes to have. They aren’t. I wish I had liked sports more, cared more about the approval of others sooner…. then maybe I’d matter in their world.
I’m an artist, perhaps the talent and skill people really don’t give a shit about. This world is a pyramid scheme, from the programming of people to somehow sell this life to new born kids (the very act of making kids) all the way to the 1% who benefit from our suffering. Everyone is programmed to think inward for the world will punish you with poverty and depression if you aren’t selfish.
This is an utterly ugly life where friends are programmed to be fake, and all social interaction is only a system of levers, and we are oppressed into worshipping money, the only REAL GOD of humanity.
Skills that are meant to progress the human race are only ever used when they are adapted to feed the pyramid. Art, sciences, humanitarian acts, they are disregarded ().
We don’t live in a world, we live in a machine that breeds humans as hive slaves in supporting a purposeless structure.
That we are still here, artists, thinkers, sensitives, is the ultimate middle finger to that system. We are still here, the pyramid has failed to suck us in.