I feel no joy, no excitement. I know I’m supposed to and I know how to act the part – it’s not even a conscious choice, I do it by default. Big smile yes of course I’m happy and grateful and excited, of course I’m having fun, enjoying myself. But all I really feel is emptiness. And noone can know. I have to function, just keep functioning, one day after another. I need it to stop, I just need everything to stop but I’m trapped: I can never make my way out of this prison I can’t do that to the people who love me. I am lucky. There are people who love me, God knows why. But me getting worse will hurt them, I will pull them down with me so I cannot let them know how I really am. Who I really am. I am living a sweet little lie, telling them enough to make them feel they know what’s going on but never letting anyone know the full extent. Keep functioning. That’s all.
4 comments
Do something crazy : skydive : wake up ?
God, sounds like my mother wrote it. She had a cheat day with a thing of whiskey. But so did I with a vape, and I told her, we’re cheaters, so what?
But she just kept saying that’s not what I do, and hiding it…
Her shame looks different to herself than to me… idk people are so hard on themselves. I hate it.
It is hard to admit what you perceive as failure, most of all to those you love and especially once you get into the “I’m fine”-cycle. Of course I don’t know how your mother feels but I find it easy to get trapped in it even when some inner voice is screaming to tell people the truth.
Thank you for sharing.
Shame / self hatred ….
People love you, you should know.