New Years and Resolutions

New Years I decided to do something different. Right now I’m back in my college town instead of back home because I needed to work on a school project before the semester started. So I’m by myself in my one bed room apartment. Instead of just drinking by myself as I would, I went out to a bar. Since it’s a college town, there’s a district in town that is essentially 15+ bars lumped together. I went, ordered a burger and a cocktail and left. I didn’t even stay until midnight. I reasoned that I could just feel like a lonely loser at home instead of in a crowded space. Overall, it was uneventful. I don’t know why it wouldn’t be, but I did it and that’s that. Even people watching was kind of boring as fuck. Just a bunch of drunks in a loud room. So on to resolutions. I am going to actually learn the guitar. I am going to start working out. These will probably just end up being forgotten about in a few weeks, but for now, I’m doing it. The big one is, I’m going to stop chasing after her. She obviously doesn’t care about it me. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hoping and wishing and begging the universe that she give a shit about me. She doesn’t and I just have to learn to deal with it. I told myself that I was ok with just being a friend, but I don’t even think she sees me as that. I’ve asked her, and she does say she cares and all that jazz, but thinking about it, maybe she was just being nice. Or screwing with me, I can’t tell. I’m always the one checking in on her. I’m always the one trying to see if she’s doing ok and asking her what’s going on with her. She never really tries the other way around. It’s clear that I’m just some guy that she talks to. Why she doesn’t just tell me to piss off, I don’t know. And honestly I don’t really care to know. I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was that she forgot my birthday. Yeah I know it’s small. Yeah I know she had a lot going on at the time. But just one happy birthday text would have made my day. I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing, but thinking about it, I wasn’t really anything to her. It is what it is, but I’m tired. Maybe I’m being the dickhead in this situation. I probably am, but I’m tired. It’s not like I’m going to block her and just completely ignore her. She knows my number, she knows how to contact me. If she texts, I’ll text back, but I’m not going to be the one chasing after her anymore. She has her own thing going on and I respect that, but I’m tired. Thinking about it, I don’t have many people in my life that bothers to try and be my friend by seeing how I’m doing and junk. And the one’s I have, I can’t say I’ve treated them great. Hell, I probably deserve this. Either way, I’m kind of just done. It is what it is I guess.