It’s been a rough couple of years when it comes to my love life. Mainly I was broken up with, because he said he was bored. not only that, but months after the break up I found out that he had cheated on me. So that was two and a half years ago, and now I have pushed away any form of love from anyone. If someone likes me I tell them not to just to keep my feelings safe. I know I’m scared of getting hurt again. But like I also don’t want a relationship because I don’t feel anything for anyone. Like I’m currently talking to two people, one I’ve been talking to for 8 years and the other maybe 6 months. The one of 8 years is truly madly in love with me, but I still have that fear of him breaking my heart and I keep pushing him away, I feel bad but that’s all I really know to do. And for the one I’ve known for 6 months its kind of wishy washy, I think he has feelings but all i really think he wants is to be friends with benefits.
And that’s another thing, my sexuality, I’ve really been questioning it, I might like some girls which is no problem, and there may be guys I like too, but my issue that has me confused is: is it possible to want to have sex most of the time, when in reality I don’t want to do it? Like I’m pretty sure it doesn’t make sense, but like for example, the guy I’ve known for 6 months, as much as I’d like to sleep with him, I also don’t want to (part of the reason is because of body counts and all that; like i know its something that shouldn’t really matter, but I care about it). Another reason, why I dont want to have sex is because even though in the moment, I am enjoying it kinda, after sex, I feel like complete shit and used, every single time…. So I searched it up and read more on what could be wrong with me. I ended up coming across Postcoital Dysphoria (PCD), which supposedly developed from past trauma, which I can relate to. But I don’t really know what to do with the whole sex and sexuality situation. 🙁
But anyways, back to the two guys, I have developed some feelings for both, I know I did this to myself for talking to both but I didn’t think I’d get to this point. But when I say I’ve developed some feelings, those feelings come and go really quickly, like one second I could feel head over heels, and the next second I go numb and feel absolutely nothing toward them and they just get me mad for no reason. Like I don’t know if I’ve developed some bipolar thing or not. But I usually feel more hatred than love toward each of them. Plus, I also end up telling myself that they are just using me, and that they only want to sleep with me and leave, and all those types of thoughts. And now that I have this big mess in my mind I have done nothing but cry every single night, I end up feeling so much pain that my heart legit hurts, but at the same time i feel so empty… I need help… but therapy doesn’t work for me. I just need to hear something from someone else to get out of my head a little.