Back when everything shut down, millions of people were having their life at their worst; but for me in only made me better. I stopped taking my meds because I no longer needed them, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to make contact with anybody for a while; it was the best mental break for me. The whole year I was happy spending my senior year of high school at home not having to make face to face contact with anybody. Now summer is over and I started college in person, and boy did I remember how much I hated school and all the homework. It is only my third week back in school and I have broken down at least 4 times every single week multiple times in a day. I’ve already missed assignments, and I already have people against me, and now I’m not so sure if what I’m majoring in is really what I want to do. Even though for the past 5 years I’ve known that that is what I wanted to do, I don’t know why now I am struggling to want to pursue it anymore… Yes I know; “it’s college you can change your major to something you may be more interested in” “if you don’t know what you want to do you can always change to ‘undecided’ its up to you.” But I don’t feel interested in anything anymore, and I really feel like college isn’t for me. And lately I’ve been putting applications for jobs, but I haven’t heard back from any of them. Like lately, all I feel is that I have no purpose anymore, and I’ve been really having urges to just disappear or die :((
I currently stand between not wanting to do anything and wanting to live my dream. I’m gradually giving up on everything. My weight is only going up, my mental stability is going way down, the disappointment and sadness in my family is rising, my will to continue is going 6 feet under where I might just end up. I was asked if I was really willing to do something, all I did was say no. I don’t want to do anything anymore because no matter how much I’ve tried I have always failed with an outcome worse than I thought it would be. So today I broke down… terribly. Everything I had bottled up was released the second my first tear fell. I cried about my weight, how I look, how I disappointed my family about not wanting to do anything, how I have no friends, how my ex already moved on and found love again, how his new girlfriend looks like me but only skinnier and prettier, how I don’t know what I’m doing, how maybe everything is my fault, how I may be the center of my sadness. Yes I know if I want to change things, I have to work for it. But the thing is when I try, I shortly lose interest even though I really want to do it, and then I don’t have the motivation to continue. Like I have extremely over weight for my height and age; being 5’4″ 17 year old and weighing 270 lbs. is embarrassing for me and I want to lose weight but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. Same thing with college, I want to go for architecture, but the thought of growing up and studying that terrifies me. I don’t want to grow up, and I am just not interested in going to college for my dream career. I don’t know what is wrong with me anymore. So when I cried today in front of my family, everything I have mentioned here is what I cried about, but they were upset because they watched me and asked me why I was crying… and all I could say was I don’t know. My mom knows that’s not true, but I can’t bring myself to tell them about anything that I cried about. Why? Because I know what they are going to say, they will tell me to try losing the weight, move on from my ex-friends and ex just forget about what they are doing/saying. I know they will say that but if I tell them it’s hard for me all they will say is to just put your mind to it. BUT I CAN’T IF I DON’T HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING. And them just seeing me cry to my self made everyone upset and I ruined everyone’s mood. So I’m just stuck here being in the center of my sadness pretty much alone.
4/25/18 was the last time I wrote on here… and boy has so much happened since then. I was finishing up 8th grade after getting out of a high focus center (which did nothing for me) I was finishing middle school and getting ready for high school. I guess I was okay around that time, although I still would self harm, but I forgot about this account. But freshman year I lost my v-card to my next door neighbor who I still have feelings for, I had gotten a boyfriend who actually met my whole family but later crushed my heart by cheating on me over the summer while i was away with some b*tch he called his best friend who was his best friends new ex. Anyways since then I’ve only slept with people for closure, and now I’ve lost all hope in love. That year I also started vaping, that was until my mom found my nicotine and took the battery and all that away, so now I’m onto smoking weed. And with my meds, within a span of 4 years I stopped taking them slowly, I was forced into seeing a therapist, not long after I stopped going to that. And now I’m a junior going onto being a senior, and I know for a fact I am not ready for it. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore and I think im just going to give up on a future. Unless someone will help me become an adult being I literally know nothing about adulting.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve been here but surprise im here still alive and breathing… unfortunately
I haven’t taken any of my meds in like 3-4 days and for the past few days I have had really bad migraines. i can barely even walk straight and I still have to go to school.
I’m becoming suicidal again. The meds aren’t working anymore. I want to kill myself. I’m back to the person I was, and call me crazy, but I like it, I had missed it. i want to be dead i dont want to be here, i might run away with someone and its going to be soon
I haven’t been online for a little while because I have been busy, and pretty suicidal.
But, I have been on Zoloft 50mg for about 4 months already and I have gained about 5 pounds. And as some of you know I am also anorexic so I may not have gained as much as others. But I have not stopped eating in these past few months. Before Zoloft I would go 2-3 days without eating. And now I haven’t been able to stop myself from eating 2 almost 3 meals. And part of the reason I am on Zoloft is because I consider myself fat, and i am considered obese because of how much i weigh. So i don’t eat, but with Zoloft I will never be happy or “normal” because Zoloft is making me gain weight, when what i want is to lose this weight.
Has anyone else that is taking or has taken Zoloft experienced weight gain?
I’m tired of everyone stepping all over me. Even people on here are against me being here. What did I do wrong? I know I’m nothing, I know I’m no one. I’ve never been enough, and I never will be enough. I’m so tired, I just want to fall into a deep sleep, and never wake up again. Maybe I will just kill myself, and skip the part where I runaway. :/
At this point, I can barely eat a full meal, and I don’t like eating, so that fine. I don’t need to eat, eating is a want. Eating is a want, so you can keep living. But I don’t want to live so it’s fine by me. I don’t need it anymore. Food is a waste of time and money. I don’t need it. I don’t need it. I DON’T NEED IT!
I’m going to need a lot more money, in order to runaway, I have clothes packed, 800$ saved and enough food to last a month. Lately I have been feeling really, depressed and suicidal, so I went through my parents’ liquor shelf. I had a few fireball whiskey shots, I fell in love with it. I almost got caught cutting again. I’ve been stealing from family, friends, and some stores. I just need a place to hideaway.
I couldn’t even cross the street without panicking. I have to keep my head down when I walk or else I would freak out. And when I cross the street I “have” to look both ways. But really I just want to get run over, I just want to die, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been looking for hotels to stay at for a month but they all cost over 1000$ and I don’t even have that much money yet. I only have 800$ and I’m not sure how to make over 200$. And with my anxiety it’s going to be harder than I thought, but I’m hoping to sell somethings today.
I know you’re going to fuck me over. Everyone does. You’re fucking around with my mind. You make me feel special, playing around with my feelings, and in the end we end up as strangers again. I always fall for these fucking traps.
No, I am not looking for attention. I am just really not up to wanting to do anything again. I am back to cutting. I burnt the heart on my finger because I wanted to feel the pain. Yes, I am in love with the pain. I love how it feels. I can’t help it. Sometimes I don’t even have a reason to why I cut myself. All I want is to feel the pain, to see the blade, to see the blood rushing out from the cuts. It’s a small escape from reality, It’s a small High. I love it and I can’t help myself. I want to be hit, I want to be kicked, I want to be bruised, I want to be burnt, I want to be abused, I want to be physically hurt. Just not mentally hurt…. Is it too much to ask for?
I QUIT! I’m done with life. I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate myself. My cuts are deeper than ever. I am just ready to throw myself in front of the train.
Spring is coming too soon, which means so is summer, soooo…. now I have to hide my new marks, before anyone notices them and sends me back to the hospital or the high focus centers. I hate spring, I hate summer. I hate my body, I hate myself. And in the winter I can hide all of that evidence behind a sweatshirt and jeans. This is too soon.
So yesterday I burned a heart into my finger. Just so I could feel the sting, to have a little more pain, than cutting. So now it’s all blistered and bubbly again. And I was wondering if that means it would become a scar? I want it to be permanent. So I was thinking of tracing it over again. I want to keep retracing it either way.
I am ready to kill myself. I have not stopped cutting. I started talking with a guy that wants to have an affair with his wife. I just burned on a small tattoo just so I could feel a little more pain. I took a candle and a paperclip and made small figures on my hand. I’m going to go over it again tomorrow to make it darker. I’m still trying to collect some more money to runaway. I’m still looking to buy drugs, and sex. So many secrets, everyone thinks I’m fine and happy, and I want to keep things that way.
Yesterday my blade was dull and basically useless. But today I sharpened it and now it works good as new! Now I have new scars with more blood bubbles. 😀
My blade is dull and I don’t have another blade. I tried cutting my wrist and it would barely tear my skin. I did it so many times and it only bled in like 3 cuts. So I dug in with more pressure and it was only one tiny blood bubble. There used to be 3 other blades laying around the house because of my dad’s job. The blade I found I took it and with that one there were a few blades with that one, but at that time I had thought that I wouldn’t need the blade for much. But I fell in love with the pain of the blade pressing against my skin. I’m not sure where to search to find another blade, or how to make the one I have sharper.
So, yesterday night my mom had to go out to a class, and my dad had to go out to take my brother to his basketball. My dad told my mom that I could stay home alone so I could do my homework. Right after he said that she went pale and her eyes almost popped out of her head, almost having a panic attack about him wanting him to leave me alone. If she doesn’t leave me alone, the how am I going to show that I can be trusted to be alone at least for an hour? I couldn’t stay alone, I had to go to my brother’s game, so I couldn’t really do any homework. I went to sleep later than I have been going to sleep lately. So today I really feel like cutting, and not eating anything at all.