I’m tired. Really I’m to exhausted to feel anything most days or I am intensely angry at everything. Sometimes I’ll get random bursts of giddiness and just laugh for no reason, with abnormally high self esteem and feel like god, but eventually something little sets me off and I spiral down.
I was never really scared to die and I still don’t value my life that much. Suicide has always felt like something positive to me. Back in November I nearly killed myself. I remember very clearly- the day of I was tired and tearful because some online friend of mine was going to commit suicide, I was crying all night over him. My eyes stung all day and I was sweaty and greasy and depressed. And then at the end of the day I missed my bus and started bawling my eyes out in the bathroom. While I waited over and hour for my mom to come get me I attempted to buy some suicide supplies from the CVS by my school but was ID’d and denied. So when I got home I just laid in bed and slept until the evening, then I got online. I don’t have any irl friends and very few online friends, I don’t really have much of an interest in people and I don’t get lonely anymore, and its hard for me to really manage more than one relationship. However I got a message from someone I used to speak to, who ever since that night has been my boyfriend. He’s been wonderful and since then I have had my first kiss with him, first time having sex, all things I’d never thought I’d experience.
For a while things looked up and I felt a lot better, but for some time now I’ve been falling back down again and constantly thinking of suicide- really that day before he came along I was closer to suicide than I ever was before and he stopped me, gave me a reason to “hang on”” and see what happens. However now that I have him dependant on me, I can’t just give in to suicidal thoughts like I used to anymore. I really get what it feels like to have to fight for your life. Never before did I value life and its experiences or think of anyone I would be effecting by offing myself, I never cared, but joe I have him and I really have to fight it off which is…exhausting, especially the days when I can’t even think clearly and it feels like a thick fog is in my head.
However I really wonder if we’d be better off separate. My whole life I have had issues with my family, everyone is antagonistic and nasty towards eachother, and being in that environment I never learned how to deal with conflict in a healthy way and actong abusive towards people is just something I have learned. When I was younger my grandmother and my aunt pointed this out to me but now that I have him in my life I really see how this could effect him, and I don’t want to one day make him miserable because of it. I can already see the signs, and sometimes I get mad at him for silly things like not replying to me immediately or giving me his undivided attention 24/7-I hide it because I know I am being ridiculous but it sets me off and usually sends me down this shit spiral. Then all I can do is think about dumping him, but I don’t want to break up at all, I just can’t stop thinking about it, intrusive thougts. Or I’ll want to dump him so I can off myself and quit this clownery that is my life.
And besides that, I am a horribly low functioning person. Most days I can barely leave my room because the noise in my house gets so awful, I can’t even do anything during the day because of the noise and at night I’m tired. And I am a naturally lazy ass person, I really don’t understand how some people manage to keep their house clean, get good grades, have a social life, work, focus on their hobbies etc. I can barely do any if those things and I never have been able. I want to rush to adulthood so I can get the fuck out of this place but I am scared too, because I know I’m lazy and the transition to all that responsibility will be insane and impossible for me to handle.
And overall I just feel like a bad person all the time, because I can’t function, because I get angry, because I don’t know how to handle conflict. And I search for what is wrong with me but overall I know I’m just a shit person. I hate myself so much a lot of the time when people are nice to me I feel intense guilt and it sends me down this shame spiral.
This isn’t even all of it, this is just me, I can’t tell you how much I’m afraid of the world and how it will change and all the shit, this is such a shit place and I really hope it ends so no other poor souls are subjected to this miserable shit against their will.I don’t wanna see it.
I just want to die but my boyfriend is the only one keeping me going. But I have concerns with him. Sometimes I think I might have something to offer the world, maybe my voice, but then I remember how much I hate it and change my mind.
I truely wish I wasn’t born and I won’t miss a damn thing about life. I wouldn’t choose to be alive even if I was happy because its just not worth it, there is no value here. I havr never ever grieved the things I’ll miss out on, I have only ever grieved that I was born in the first place, that my life was so shit and it wasn’t worth a damn thing. A half tearful half laughing “Well that sucked lol”.
I might do it. I don’t know how much more I can hang on. I never thought I’d see myself to adulthood anyways, and now I guess I know why. I’ll hang on for my boyfriend but I worry that one day I’ll make him miserable or just rage quit the relationship (as I have done to anothrr guy a couple times, but I have since learned my lesson). I guess I’ll just keep pushing on until I really can’t. Don’t give in just yet.
This is exhausting.