see my last post, idk if its’t the fucking meds that scrambled my brains or if it’s the universe choking the air out of my lungs but i cant fucking breathe. all this motherfucking pain. squeezing the life out of me like a tube of fucking toothpaste and the cap is the top of my head. watch it spew.
my story is nothing new. in fact you dont need to read another word. just log it in your head as another fucked up wasted life. log it in your head as another worthless asshole who tried and tried. if youre the literary type, read The death of ivan ilyich. all about some fucker who lived his life theway he thought was right, was good, was purposeful. but he gets a werid mystery ailment that paralyzes him with agony as he slowly cruelly dies. idk the point of that story. and maybe thats thepoint. We suffer We Die. no fucking point. nobody fucking cares. nothing ever changes. the virtuous, the villainous, all the same… you get a fucking mystery ailment and you suffer and you die
that’s my story. the details dont matter. fuck this shit. my only consolation is, if there’s an afterlife, I get to beat the shit out of god. or satan. or whatever fyuck is in charge of this circus. And if theres no afterlife then victory is mine
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I want to share with you what someone said to me, “Life not spent in helping non-human animals out of their suffering is truly the wasted life – which maybe makes up 99% of us and I envy you on being the 1%. If there be any god(s) out there, it/they’ll probably ask when the show’s over – how many ‘lower’ creatures we helped in our otherwise pathetic self-seeking existence on this rolling planet, and you’ll have a credible answer.” It made me feel good, I hope it does the same for you.
I get all that your saying too about trying and trying to do right and good and have only found that humans can be vicious creatures, prentending to be who they are not. For what it’s worth … I do believe there is more after this life and it’s okay to be angry when you get there.
thanks for that. last night I took enough pills to blast my brain into orbit for a few hours and that got me through 12 hours but today it starts again. I hear you about helping non human lifeforms. when I was a kid that gave me a purpose or at least a dream… I had the idea that humans are the protectors of the planet and the world made sense because some benevolent ‘god’ put us here to do an important job. until I grew up and realized that humans cause all the damage. So if there’s any sort of god who put us here, our purpose is more likely to wipe out the planet slowly. and we sure are doing the lord’s work arent we??
well maybe if i volunteered at a shelter i could get that winning feeling again. I hope that’s what you’re doing because it helps. I’m just too far gone. you know when you reach that point where you cant even look out the window because everything disgusts you. how the hell do you break out of this
Yes I believe there is a ‘God’ and lessor God’s too (guardian angels) but don’t think God is benevolent in any way. I think that he/she is very much like us in that he gets angry, happy, sad and is simply a witness or perhaps a note taker to the destruction and suffering that humans cause. We should be the caretakers of this planet and it’s inhabitants , but self serving, selfish humans only care about their own satisfaction.
I t seems though you answered your own question, ” maybe if i volunteered at a shelter i could get that winning feeling again. I hope that’s what you’re doing because it helps” .… the shelter animals so appreciate any kindness from human interaction and pay back only with joy.
It would be appreciated if ‘God’ or God’s” were a little more proactive once in a while, but not holding my breath for that. Life happens and then people do things – both can have good and bad results.
Contd. I just know I am tired of the bad results, it’s not getting better, for me getting up every day is about survival, staying in a place that I feel safe and comfortable and getting things in order.
“he/she is very much like us in that he gets angry, happy, sad and is simply a witness or perhaps a note taker to the destruction and suffering that humans cause.”
this is such a great way to look at it. I think it’s called “deism” when you believe in a superior being but that doesn’t necessarily mean the deity is perfect. It could be as flawed as we are, or weak, or possibly even sick & dying itself.
I guess most established religions ram it down our throats that their god is perfect. But that doesn’t gel with the imperfect world around us. And that’s what leads people to reject the notion of god entirely. But your idea makes sense. I don’t know why it isn’t more widely accepted…except I suppose established religions (like governments) won’t gain any followers by admitting to their flaws. so we get the propaganda that they’re perfect and always winning.
maybe we humans were supposed to be guardian angels for this planet, put in charge by a deity who had other things to do in other corners of the universe. But we’re fucking up. I know I am.