feelings dont exist

Nothing makes me feel anything anymore. The only thing I can do now is create a character with horrid backstories of abuse. Why? I don’t know. Whenever I feel upset… “wow, well *insert character* had to live through that… my life is great.” Basically just gaslight myself with the characters. Haha. I want to die. There’s no reason, really. Not that I know of, atleast. Nobody let’s me talk. I cannot talk. For if I say a single word about what’s been kept inside foe so long I will be sent to a mental prison they call a hospital! Everything I do is being watched! I cannot let a sliver of emotion be exposed even to my friends, for I’m being watched and the moment I do ill be sent to a hospital. I want to stop breathing. Stop eating. I hate everything and everyone. That includes myself. I dont have a use. I am not smart or skilled, skinny or pretty, kind or enjoyable, I can’t do anything right. I’m just that annoying person with a few friends that can’t do anything. Is there a painless way to die?