Not a fraud, not a bastard, I just don’t know what the word is I’m really looking for. Read on to learn more!
After a long period of disconnection due to obversable negative detrimental effects, I’ve gotten back on a dating app (this one seems less shit) because I know one of the reasons I have no fucking resilience is that I lack several key things required for human happiness (as I’m sure many here do), one of which is physical and interpersonal intimacy. But something’s different from last time. In addition to the expectation that nothing will come of any of the few conversations I have going (one cancelled last minute on a meeting today and it was already only going to be platonic), I feel like my being fucked up as I am is somehow making what I’m doing there super dishonest. Everyone has these literally picture perfect versions of their lives which I know are all fraudulent, but I’m included in the equation – I don’t want to broadcast my mental and physical ailments because who the hell is going to be interested in that? Humans need to already have formed an attachment to deal with that kind of baggage but I won’t be able to keep it secret long enough. And the feeling of being bailed on because of something like that, well…I’d rather save myself the time and energy if that’s how something will end up. And on the other hand, I don’t want someone to become attached to these damaged goods just so I can feel better. I even feel bad making friends given this but I make the effort because I don’t want to feel like wanting not to be alive all the time, and friends help. Shit.
Shakespeare was wrong, man. Better indeed to have never loved at all. Those born blind can’t pine for the visible world no longer accessible to them – they’re just living life as they’ve always known it. The fact that I once felt on top of the world, that I could deal with things that now lead me to spend most of a day laying in my bed…I year to be that person again, and also hate that I ever was. I can hardly believe it; it feels like another life, a stranger almost. Looking out at a lovely sunset the other day, I realised how cruel the loss of potential is, and how it’s inherent in life. There is this inherent-seeming malevolence to it all, at least as a human. Do animals, bugs, plants feel this way? What a curse to be a human.
I don’t want to talk to my closest friends after – once again, despite my communicating it and it being an entirely new set of friends this time – were totally absent during the recent month that may have been one of the worst ever for me. A deep internal darkness despite my immediate surroundings being relatively illuminated; a novel combination for me. I don’t want to have some shitty performative phone or zoom call – I want to exist with someone in real time who I can physically communicate with, not have to bullshit about how bullshit I’ve felt, or just fucking lie about it. Ugh.
I think the dissolution of the structure this post had in my mind at the start means it’s time to wrap it up. Thanks for reading, if you did.
12 comments
I get that. I have gotten waaaay too comfortable with the Internet. Being my best self and even my worst self. When I talk to people in real life, I feel entirely like a different person. I wouldn’t describe you as any of these words, that you’ve mentioned. Communicating depression on a dating service, is like ordering a fish in a chocolate factory, they’ll turn you away and give you a stern look, while doing so. Plus, there’s always the chance for you to meet someone, who has the same struggle. I mean people are lonely on there..
The birds won’t stop chirping but cats can get depressed, so I’d say some animals feel a form of darkness. I liked reading this whole bit too, so thanks! 🙂
Thanks to you for writing. Ordering fish in a chocolate factory – good one.
Oh bull! Don’t be upset! Have you tried paying for your dating services? There’s a better market there for men. Men always have a hard time on the free ones because their algorithms suck
I’d sooner kill myself than pay money for that trash. It’s like with everything else; we’ve been sold the myth that “if you just (do x)”, things will work out/get better/etc. But in real life its just like playing the lottery. You can’t win if you don’t, but the vast majority of the time you will lose.
True, there’s no guarantee in it.
Just a suggestion – try new things
My advice: avoid meeting prostitutes online. They’re stingin left and right these days.
Hopefully none of you disappear after this thread. I’ll assume it was a sting because I can hear it now “oh might as well”
I’m in a similar situation to what you’ve just described. From my experience, I would characterize it as the feeling of perpetually being forced to lie by omission whenever I try to date- lying in a way that seems much more significant than the expected deceptions of someone putting filters on their selfies, or making their life seem more exciting than it really is, etc- but, although I used to feel something like a fraud, it’s changed over time from that into a kind of futile anger and bitterness not inwards anymore at myself, but outwards, at the fact that so many people would automatically reject me without a backward glance. It’s become more of an exhausted disappointment at the level of stigma that people with disabling conditions like mine have to face. I’m a female in my 20’s with mental and physical illness, and I haven’t had an in-person date in years- because of past experiences, I’ve been too afraid of rejection to seriously and consistently look for a partner, and on top of that, in the last few years, my health problems have worsened to the point where I can’t drink coffee or alcohol, or eat most restaurant food anymore, which also makes dating more difficult. A few hours before I saw your posts, I had been looking at upcoming events on Meetup, and had started to set up an account on a dating app, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything after all. Isolation hurts, but the pain of it doesn’t pierce as sharply or deeply as rejection does. Anyways, your writings really resonated with me (this one especially), and I hope that you can at least find a modicum of comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone in this kind of suffering. And I hope I’ve written this relatively coherently and that I haven’t offended you or anything- I have fibromyalgia and have been up all night, so my brain isn’t really working properly.
p.s. This is also my first post here, so I might not be 100% clear on the etiquette. … but I had also wanted to ask if you visit the chat room that the FAQ page says some of the users here frequent, since you seem like an interesting person to talk with (I also studied philosophy in college, so we do have that in common). However, I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, or make you feel pressured to reply to me or anything like that….
You get it. Funny enough I subsequently wrote a post elsewhere on the web about ditching two meetups I’d planned/hoped to go to on a day off, only to decide to go to neither. Going out to meet a group of strangers by yourself when a pandemic is not over and suddenly there’s another freaky virus bubbling up is just so fucking ugh.
Glad you’ve enjoyed my writings and ramblings. Not aware of this chat service and it isn’t named in the FAQ, but I’m not averse to talking. Even my one friend who I considered my partner in darkness has been having too good a run of things lately to really sync up with lately so it might be nice having someone to chat with who “gets it”. That said, no idea on how to connect so I’ll leave that to you.
Oh, what a coincidence- I agree, meetups just seem like a stupid risk to take, when the chance of me finding someone who could realistically become a friend or romantic partner is so low. Later on this summer I might end up dragging myself to a nature walk or a historic park tour in my city after all, though. I don’t really know, at this point.
As for continuing this conversation elsewhere, we could exchange email addresses if you feel comfortable doing that, but we’d have to deal with spam bots, since the posts here are public. On the other hand, I suppose I could contact the people who run this site, and ask for the link to the chat service that some people here use. I could even try to ask for the email address associated with your account here, so that way none of our private contact info would be out in the open. I have no idea if they have information like that readily available, or if they would give it to me (I have a feeling not), but it could be worth a try. Let me know which option you’d prefer.
Heads up – I tried asking the admin about it and they passed me what should be your email. Wrote to you earlier, in case it ended up in spam.
Things like this have been on my mind a lot lately too. You know it’s a sad world when it’s so rare to find a friend who will be there for you. But what’s even more sad to me is how hard it is to find people who you can honestly tell your feelings to. It makes me feel like a fraud as well when I have to avoid telling people how I really feel. It makes me think about how fair my relationships really are. I don’t want to drag anyone else through my depression, no one deserves that. But I don’t want to be this alone either. Its something that’s been eating at me for a long time. I definitely understand how Ghostly feels on the anger and bitterness. I don’t really want to feel those things towards others but the absolute frustration of it all just brings it out. I just want how I feel to be okay and not be judged so harshly by mental and physical conditions that are out of my control. It just makes life feel like a constant lose lose situation. But I guess that’s why we all vent here, there is some comfort in at least knowing someone out there understands.
I also really enjoy your posts and truly wish the best for you StopTheMadness.
Hey DNS. Thanks for the kind words and following my works. I read your post a while back and it resonated a bit, on the same thread I replied to Leo above; very frustrating how there’s this farce of “if you have problems you just have to do these things” in our society, while the truth is they’re never guaranteed…same as everything. I hope you’re still with the martial arts and to hell with those who put you down about it for no damn reason!
For me the trouble isn’t finding someone I can open up to, but finding someone who fucking gets what I’m on about. Even someone who is/was very close to me, with whom I am a shared suicide survivor, has been very absent from my life lately, and when we do interact she just goes on about her own life and self and doesn’t inquire about me at all. As you say, I don’t want to force my inner world on people but being alone in it is agonizing, maybe moreso when there are people nearby who somehow still seem out of reach.
I’m kind of rambly because I’m feeling on edge and the delicious drink I concocted to sooth my nerves didn’t, so I’m gonna quit it and go for a walk. Hope things have been any degree of better for you lately <3 (this site doesn't recognize the unicode heart…)