I don’t know who to talk to anymore, so I’m back here, because no one wants or cares about me, and the people who do don’t understand how serious it is. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either.
I guess I should be honest here, if anywhere. Recently, I’ve been having bizarre sexual thoughts about my family and God, who are supposed to be these sacred things that you should never sexualize and I hate myself for it and the only thing I can blame is the abilify. That horrible horrible drug that yes, has removed some of my hallucinations and my dissociative thoughts, but it has given me suicidal thoughts and bizarre sexual thoughts that I would never have otherwise.
I think about killing myself almost all the time. I don’t particularly want to die, mainly because other people (my family and a few friends I guess), would be sad. But at the same time, these thoughts that I’m having, I’ve been praying for them to disappear, but like usual, I feel that God has abandoned me and that He hates me and that I have to die because He hates me. And all the time, every day, I keep thinking, God hates me so I have to kill myself, God hates me so I have to kill myself, God hates me so I have to kill myself, over and over and over and over and over again and I HATE IT. I want it to stop. And wanting it to stop makes me want to die as well. Because it seems like the only escape. And I feel like if I brought this up to anyone I would die. My heart would stop beating and I would die. So, at least I wanted to share it here.
I just want everything to be over. My guilt that I’m making my family sad or worried by being depressed. My shame about it. My social anxiety. My fear of confrontation and honesty. Like I said in a previous post, I want to be brave and honest. I really do. But I’m a coward and a liar and a fool. So what can I do… except die?
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3 comments
I feel you, especially the intense dread of possibly mentioning this to another person and the desperation of being shaken in your faith on a very personal level.
Abilify sucks, my doctor tried to put me on it last week, and I chose lithium over it…. better toxic shock than night terrors (which is what abilify gave me.)
Seroquel is pretty good, as these things go, I don’t have many side effects from that. I’m feeling pretty anti drug in general these days, they just give us enough to pacify us, remove the danger we pose to ourselves, and the worst part is that all of it is temporary. Your body gets better at metabolizing it, it decreases in effectiveness and there you are onto the next drug.
Lithium is the end of the line for me. When it stops working, it’s put up or shut up to anyone in my life who expects more… once you’ve tried literally every drug for anxiety and depression, 25 years of therapy, and things still keep getting worse? Maybe I wasn’t the problem to begin with, the problem is a world so cruel it needs me passive, well such things only work for so long.
Sexual intrusive thoughts are worse than most others, that really sucks. plus, the suicidality issue….. seems to me it would be better to hallucinate and not feel suicidal, but I’m an outlier, I think my personal health matters more than my soul sucking job and it doesn’t. I have these weird communist ideas of everyone having a safe place to sleep and enough to eat……. I guess we all have our demons.
I hate how the word “abilify” sounds like a magic spell because all it does is make you fat