Nykthos, shrine to Nyx

Strange cognizance enter

very cute awareness very high awareness of mental breakdown as it happens I don’t know if it’s the new medication out care if it’s the new medication maybe I’m just more aware for it. Return know I speak of what happened what occurred as it happened and I examined that I am simply reasons that my life lacks so many things. I so aware of things I life from that we’re not there and And the proof to me of my own worthlessness of my own failure to find direction. My own inability to live how I need mind I need this. There’s there’s more to unpack there but that must be for another time.
Simple satisfaction has not been enough as of late as much as I would like to believe otherwise. In fact, I clung to it in breaking down but I also saw that now it is and has not been the answer. Pain persists. Simple toys and simple ideas simple thoughts and simple routines like those that I cling to will not fix. They will not fix. It brings me so low some very low to see these failures these processes these forms these disorders these disabilities something they are something they are happening they will not stop follow me. I wish I could see otherwise I wish it was at all useful to do so. I hope somehow I Donely want to listen really want to be here and even then life became too much. I’m happy life and happy life is a complicated work. I stare at myself. I cannot believe it must be important. To my belief I cannot see purpose I cannot see a reason. Does not make things easy. And I get distracted. My mind. My mind so so useful work for me my mind so powerful so train so delicate and elegant cannot do what I ask you for cannot cannot become which I need and racks not despair but something else to notice to recognize it. I must know. I must name. I must describe and identify I have to be able to fight this I have to work with it.
there is no way to see worth or possibility otherwise. For myself or others in mind on life.
To the point of which I need to regard, I should say that I see not worth as is seeking feeling and emotional self flagellation or mental feeling in as it is kind as it is in-kind to do the same. Consuming myself for what purpose I feel is needed to be human is no way to live. There has not is not will not be within any reason any solution at hand I can only at hand. I can only seek to mitigate and ignore. It will never go away I wish it were easier I wish it were easier yes I wish everything more easier is that wrong?
Subtitle:: disrepair forever worthless becoming unworthy. Not the other part what I needed to say here.
I just hate I just fucking hate how painful it is.
unless I think about it unless I feel something else. There is no way to end the pain. So many things I saw this morning tied to it fashioned by at pulling me down. The pain in my chest tangible physical. Pain of the mind often new tangible. Pain of the sore, the self, the soul often so present so consuming. I desperately cling to coping strategies. I will always trying desperately with all of my effort to exist in a way that resembles normality that resembles functioning that resembles an absence of my problems because nobody will ever understand If I let them be seen. But not delusion I know I hold in knowing this. It is not possible to know without living what I keep. Desperately desire that the world will never may never need understand me and what I hold back. I just want so badly to be a good person because it’s all I can do. It brings solo it brings me solo very low to find that I am nothing nothing and I’m not on existing it worm existing I fucking hate this voice function. I think I’m just gonna call the hotline.

Out of line. End of line.
Worthlesspost shithead