She forgot her suitcase and came back a couple of days later. More of the same behaviour. I made a point of apologizing for a time many years ago when she was in a similar situation which I hand’t had the awareness or life experience to react/know how to respond properly. She appreciated it but oddly there was no empathy at my now being there, only “frustration” that there is apparently no way to “fix” the problem, and sadness at the idea of losing a friend. It’s not in others’ power to change things, “I have to want it”. Wow, again.
Forget the fact that loneliness and isolation are a thing. Forget that social support and connectedness are shown to be protective factors against suicide. How dare you speculate around the circumstances of the loss of our friend? You have no fucking idea how he felt. Even if you felt a similar way it was not how he did. Not how I do. What the hell happened to the empathy you used to have?
I somehow made it through the ensuing day of work though was on the verge of losing it basically the whole time. I did not feel at all like she really cared about the state I’m in. I no longer feel like this is someone for whose sake I am choosing to live. I wish my chosen exit method was more accessible so I could begin to spend time with it, get comfortable with it, and abate the extreme fear I feel for it. I haven’t yet figured out how, when I finally reach break point and decide to pursue the somewhat long road to it, what I’m going to do about all those aspects that will almost certainly scare me off when it’s go time.