insert creative title here

Not dead yet. Which is uhm, cool, I guess…

I’ve finally found a method, shitty though it may be in some ways, I could still make it work. It’s progress I guess, I never really knew how exactly I’d go out, which made me start questioning if I’m really as bad mentally as I think, or if I’m just “magnifying” it as they say, basically being dramatic. I don’t know. I haven’t said anything to anyone for a while now. Nobody around me knows anything. I’m doing it like that so I don’t just become a drag for them for months or a year or however long I live. There’s no need to worry anybody anyway. Especially when everything is just so vague.

This week has actually been okay, not as bad as it’s been, I guess. I had art club today which was kinda cool, even if I did feel like an outcast most of the time. But my art teacher said she was happy to see me, which made me feel a lot better 🙂 it’s been a long time since anyone’s said they’re happy to see me or they care/love me or whatever. It was pretty cool. I’m not stressed about school at the moment either, my teacher gave some grace and extended the deadline for the project (it wasn’t just me who didn’t finish but still) and he was also very understanding and nice about it when I told him ahead of time that I had nothing done. Students had to evaluate each other’s stuff, which made me nervous, but when I got feedback, somebody commented on my art and they thought it was really good, which was pretty cool for me haha. Plus, I got valid criticisms and not mean ones. Overall, I’m still ready for the week to be over, I’m just super exhausted all the time anymore.

To say I’m good is a bit of a stretch, and it’d be an even bigger one to say I want to live, or anything like that. I’m not even okay, really, I’m just… here. Which is supposedly good but I don’t believe it much. I don’t even know why I’m here, both on this site and just in general. I don’t have anyone I can talk to, so I’ve just been complaining about my shit on this void of sad souls. I didn’t even know sites like this existed until a few months ago lol. I doubt anyone cares but it’s still a good outlet for me. I’m also, of course, arguing with myself the purpose of being here, both personally and in a “the-world-is-shit-anyway-and-we’re-all-gonna-die” way. Nobody ever talks of the good things in the world. Maybe there just isn’t any anymore. I dunno. At least if the world ends or something I’ll have a way out now. Relatively peacefully too, from what I understand. Perfect for me, ’cause I’m kind of a huge coward about everything haha.

I’m being stupid but it’s okay I guess lol. I don’t really know what I’m feeling. I go from this giddiness then alllllll the way back down in an hour’s time on some days. But if I didn’t have that randomly, I wouldn’t feel anything good at all. Everything just fucking sucks right now. But I guess it’ll be fine.