Reality setting in

Hello again, I’m back after 4 years. I had to get back on here to help myself get back on track in life. I last posted in 2018 and primarily talked about the abuse I received from a classmate in my middle/high school. Now, I come back to you to talk about how the cycle continues. I have had an absolutely devastating year, I mean i’ve been miserable for all of college but it had really peaked this year. I moved back in with my family after I dropped out of university and ever since I moved in my life has been a living fucking nightmare. (I am starting school again and have been moved out of that house since late august but I just really need to vent and put everything out there) My baby brother is out of control, he’s exploding with rage and pain and he takes it all out on me and my mom. all he does is yell at us, not to mention being physically fucking abusive. pushing my mom off the bed, almost getting my mom into a car accident by grabbing the wheel, locking us in the house, charging at me, and hitting both of us. The cops have come to our house twice now, maybe more, sometimes my mom lies to me to make me feel better. I am so devastated, I love my family so much, it is so hard to see them in so much pain and I feel so helpless to do anything for them. I spent the last two years trying desperately to pull my family back together, mediating, comforting, and doing anything I could to pick up the pieces. But I failed, I was powerless to watch my family struggle and rot away. I feel so useless, so guilty and so ashamed. All I want is to be able to hold my mom and my brother and fix everything for them but i’m just a college kid. All I could do was hold my mom while he was screaming at us. I didn’t want to leave my house, I wanted to live at home until I graduated to save money and live comfortably, but I had to leave for my safety. I miss my cats, my mom, and I miss the sweet and gentle little brother I cherish in my memories. I grieve for him so much, he was such a kind and sensitive little boy, abused by my father as an infant and throughout the rest of his life I hardly recognize the person he used to be. I miss him so much, I love him so much. I feel cheated, life feels so unfair. I was forced out, forced to take out a loan to pay for this shitty apartment. Even though I know I didn’t have a choice I feel so awful and guilty, I left my mom alone with him, what kind of child am I?? I feel like I left my family to die and sometimes I don’t know how to cope. I relapsed 2 years ago, and nowadays the urge to self harm grows stronger and stronger. Although i’m more removed from the situation now, I feel like i’m just starting to process it. I feel like I’ve snapped into consciousness and honestly the pain is unbearable, I cope with weed mostly but i’ve been trying to let myself grieve recently. It is an extremely difficult process, especially considering I don’t have a strong support system. All I can do is sob on the floor of my room and hug myself until I feel okay enough to move. I feel so alone, Iv’e been trying so hard to help my family for so long but now I just want someone to help me, hold me, tell me everything is going to be okay.