This is what I struggle with most when wondering whether I should end it. I’m not in unendurable agony, though I am in constant low-level pain. I’m not in inconsolable anguish, though I am always tired, and mostly sad, and becoming more and more hopeless by the year. If it was just me to consider, I think killing myself would probably be the right thing to do, even though I don’t emotionally “want” to do it. Despite my delusional attachment to dreams of a life, and my terror of death, I think it would be the right choice.
But it’s not just me I should consider. My parents still care about me far more than they should. It’s hard to imagine them getting over it – I think it might blight whatever remains of their lives, and possibly significantly shorten them. I also have a sister, who despite not having much in common with me, has gone out of her way to try to help me over the years. She also cares far more than she should. I think she would take it pretty hard, though I believe she would eventually find a way to cope – her partner is strong. She had her first child this year, my nephew. He’s obviously too young to care about anything much, but I don’t know what effect a grief-stricken mother would have on his prospects.
It’s so hard to weigh up two realities when both seem unacceptable. In one, I continue to be depressed and in pain, growing more and more so each year. In the other, my pain is ended, but a shadow is cast over the lives of my family, and they’re left with the kind of suffering I’ve fled from. I prioritise my own suffering to some extent, but I don’t know at what point that becomes overwhelmed by the negative impact on others.
6 comments
I can relate. It is kind of you to even be considering their feelings. I am also in a constant low level pain, and it is painful and draining to go on like this. Thank you for sharing!
Hugs
I think the fact that you’re even asking this question indicates that you’re not quite as bad as you say….obviously you have capacity to care for those close to you, and avoiding hurting them is a sign of decency. As for how I would weigh one versus the other, I fall into the selfish and uncaring side. Sure, my suicide would leave my immediate family devastated, but I firmly believe that asking me to continue enduring suffering by remaining alive is as selfish an act as my taking my own life. Perhaps I’m simply rationalizing my selfishness and lack of caring…I don’t know. The fact remains that, while I am a humanitarian of sorts who will go out of his way to help a fellow human most days, I really don’t care that my most selfish act would leave my family in pain. I should feel guilty about admitting this, but I don’t. I’m just too fed up with life and living.
I think I’ve said in the past that I’m not a psychopath. I have a sense of morality, I just often ignore it. I do care about those close to me, though not enough I think to motivate me to live a life they would be proud of.
My natural disposition is against suicide, due to instinctive fear of death and attachment to unrealistic ideals of life. But my near constant negative experience prompts me to think that maybe this is something that “should” be overcome. And when I think of “should”, the more moral parts of my mind are engaged. Instinctively, I’m the most selfish of assholes, but if I force myself to think things through, I’m capable of decency.
I think in my case I also have a great sense of obligation to my family, because they’ve supported me far beyond any reasonable expectations. So it seems like an extra slap in the face to do that to them.
It’s not like they’re asking me to continue enduring suffering by remaining alive, and they can’t ever know the extent of how miserable I am. So I can’t paint them as selfish. I just try to imagine what the consequences would be for them if I did it.
I don’t know what your relationship is with your family, but for me, thinking about putting mine into that state seems unacceptable. But then I’m actively trying to think about it and weigh it up “objectively”, because my instinctive disposition is against suicide. If I was less afraid of death or attached to self then I might not even pause to consider it.
I’m sure there’s a level of pain where all such considerations cease, because you’re just so desperate to end it. I really don’t want to have to wait until I get there though. I know there’s some circumstances I’ve promised myself I won’t endure, regardless of the effect on family if I end it.
Personally, I don’t do a good job of keeping a secret. I miss having that limitation, but at this point if/when I go, everyone will expect it, 22 years and every medication possible and I’m still suicidal, but my day to day pain is lower, and my apathy is up.
as in, the medication I’m on now is slowly poisoning me to death, and apparently THAT is preferable….
I’m in a mood because I’ve been waiting to hear back on a job, and it’s literally all I wake up for anymore…. and I suspect I won’t get it, but I don’t know if that’s the depression or just a realistic assessment
I’ve got used to hiding the extent of my sadness and despair over the years. I remember having a “deep” talk with my mother nearly 15 years ago, at the end of which she asked something to the effect of “but isn’t the logical conclusion of that suicide?”, and she broke down crying. And I couldn’t bear seeing her like that, so I reassured her, and determined not to reveal such feelings in future. But back then, I really wasn’t seriously considering ending it. I was lost and depressed, but still young enough to believe something might change.
So I think it would come as a real shock to them if I did it. Looking at my life circumstances it probably shouldn’t be shocking. But then I’ve been a lonely loser for all that time, and never made an attempt, so I guess the thought’s no longer in their minds.
22 years is a long time to struggle, though I’m glad your pain is somewhat reduced. Toxic medication seems like a tough choice to accept – I’m guessing it’s something pretty powerful, rather than just a standard dose of an SSRI?
Hope the job works out for you. I can relate to the void of purpose that can arise when you don’t have something like that to throw yourself into. I find on the days when I have work I hate the exacerbation of physical pain and the mental tedium it brings, but on the days I don’t I tend to spiral into a worse mental state. To some extent work allows me to focus on small, granular, solvable issues, rather than confronting the overwhelming stuff in my mind.
Anyway, from my reading of you, you sound like someone highly capable of doing what you resolve to. It seems like there should be plenty of ways for you to contribute to society. It’s just a question of finding an appropriate environment. But that’s easy to say from the outside, when you’re not carrying the weight of a person’s depression. I know some people who would say the same about me, and that’s not at all how it seems from within.