I guess I should say things are sort of better now, in some ways. I heard from my partner again, so much has happened with them, I’m just so glad he’s okay, that he’s alive. I feel really guilty for a few things, but he ofc said it wasn’t my fault. They talk to me every day, check on me, tell me they love me, and they think I’m a good person. I haven’t heard anything of the sort for so long. Close to 2 years, I guess. I feel more okay with living now. I don’t think I’m worth it still, but I guess he does, or he wouldn’t take the time to talk to me. It’s been years since we’ve seen each other. I still miss him every day.
I finally broke yesterday and went to my school counselor. Everything was just so overwhelming. School has been stressful and loud and complicated and lonely. It was nice to talk to her again though. She called me out about trying to avoid coming. It’s sad, how predictable I am. I figured there would be no point in talking to anyone if I’m just going to end it anyway. She made me feel better, and she also said she was proud of me that I’ve kept going for so long.
My social life sucks ass, and I feel like a constant failure around everyone. They’re either more talented/pretty or are further in life than I am. So far, I’ve done nothing. Society would deem me worthless. I think some of my ‘friends’ (I use the term very loosely) think I’m lazy or not enough because I’ve yet to have a job, drive, or anything. I’m not even talented in anything. I go through most of my day in silence. I feel like shit when I eat, and someone even joked about me “having a lot of food” and while I’m pretty sure it was a joke, it’s never left my mind, and now I’m even more paranoid about it. I nearly have a breakdown every time I get on the weight scale.
I felt better than I have in months for about a week. Yes, I still struggled throughout the day some, and nights are always difficult, but I could definitely tell a difference. All of a sudden, yesterday it just hits me. For no fucking reason. I hate it so much, because I know in many ways I am privileged, and there’s no real reason to be sad at all. But I am, and it’s really just a weakness. I can’t wrap my head around this stupidity. I’m scared to talk to anyone about it. Even my partner- I’m scared it will just scare him off, or maybe he won’t want to talk to me. Maybe he’ll worry too much, or maybe he’ll suddenly think I’m seeking attention or simply being dramatic. It worries me. I think it’s pathetic how I’m like this for no reason. I try so fucking hard to break out of this, but I don’t know if I ever will. And no matter what I do or try to do I’m worthless.
The world is going to hell. Everything is falling apart. It feels like there is no hope. It feels like anything and everything is insignificant and that it should all just end. Every time I hear any little bad thing happening I just want to wither away. A lot of it doesn’t even seem real to me, I feel like I’m watching everything on a screen. Sometimes I question if my feelings are even real, or if they’re only a part of whatever is on the screen. I’m like a shell within a shell of myself. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing ever makes sense. It’s night right now and I’m alone and I wish more than anything I had somebody with me. Somebody that could maybe help me sort through these stupid thoughts, that come in a whirlwind of random words, sentence fragments, horrible feelings. I know it’s my own problem, I’m probably making it worse. I’m too easy on myself, really. There are plenty of people who are able to toughen themselves up daily, people who have been through a lot more shit than I have. It shows how pathetic I am, it shows my selfishness, possibly privilege. I imagine my family saying that, they’ve said similar things.
I think the world would be better off with less people like me. Even if people care, surely, they would understand? They would understand that even if I have(had) good intentions that it’s no use, I hurt them anyway and I’m too weak to push myself, too much of a coward to do anything. I think they would understand that I’m really just taking up space, and what little I may have, is not only not enough, but there’s already somebody who has much more, can do much better. I feel half finished, like I wasn’t given a personality. I have likes and dislikes, yes, but no unique or noticeable characteristics. I’m just a sad sack of sh:t.
I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Just exhausted. Honestly, I can’t really pin-point why. It bothers me. I feel like I haven’t slept in years. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be better than this? I’m terrified that this is the peak of who I am, that this is as good as it gets, that there is some inevitable thing in my brain that makes me so stupid, that makes me a bad person. I hate it, and yet I’ve seemed to lose all my motive, like I don’t want to have to get up and try to make this cycle stop. Maybe because it’s all in my head. What if I’m making it worse than it is? I feel like I must be. I don’t know anymore. It never seems to end. I’m scared it never will. I try so hard; I try to pull myself out of this sh;t I got myself into, I try to be the best person I can be, which isn’t much. I think maybe I could be going too easy on myself, not making myself accountable enough. Nothing is certain.
I should probably try to sleep. I’m exhausted.