I’m so tired of feeling tired all of the time. I’ve been running on empty for 15 years now. There might be some physical issues that are contributing to it, but I think it’s probably just depression. I can’t see a way to a life that seems meaningful, so the motivation part of me has just given up. Why bother, when even if I put myself through all the struggle, I still won’t ever get to the point where things feel ok again?
There’s no positive goal that I can use to motivate myself to take action. So the only reason I ever do anything is fear. The rest of the time, I’m just slumped in bed, wasting my life away.
I want so badly to go back, to when I still had some hope in me. But you can’t go back. You can only go forward. And realistically, I can’t see anything worth living for in my future, no matter what I do.
It makes every tiny thing seem so hard – like wading through quicksand. It’s like my body wants to hibernate – to turn myself off, until circumstances somehow magically change. But they haven’t, and they won’t. Nothing will change, unless I do something to change it. And even if I do everything I can and should, I don’t believe anything will really change, deep down. There’ll still be this bottomless well of regret, longing, despair, and loneliness. So why bother?
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Funny to me you pick that metaphor, empty tank, because that’s just how I described my current situation earlier today. It feels like trying would be too much work, or worse still might lead to deeper despair
I figure at least in my case, eventually the weariness will wear off, perhaps someday I’ll be ready to try again…. perhaps.
I suppose lack of energy is a pretty common symptom of depression. I just can’t seem to bring myself to try a lot of the time. I want to, on some level, in that I recognise rationally that it will probably lead to less suffering down the road, so I might as well do whatever I can. But everything else in me just refuses. It’s like if I invest a major effort in something, and yet still at the end of the day feel no closer to being “OK”, then that somehow reinforces my hopelessness.
I hope you find your motivation returning. I know there are definitely times when I feel more or less energy, and right now I’m at a particularly low ebb. Work’s dried up, my back pain stops me from doing the few things I still enjoy, and the economic shitshow in my country terrifies me. But there is also this constant underlying despair that has slowly grown over the past 15 years, as it gradually becomes clearer that things aren’t going to work out how I’d hoped.
I’m alone, and I’m probably always going to be alone, and even if I’m not, my life is unlikely to be fulfilling in the ways that I wanted. There are things I’ll never experience, and I’ll never get that time back, or the many years of work it would take in future to make any progress in my life. And I don’t know how to accept/process all that loss/waste emotionally, and focus on whatever remains to me. It’s pretty childish in a way: “If I can’t have that, then I don’t want anything.” But that’s just how my mind is wired – the things that I care about are unavailable to me, and the things that are available to me I don’t know how to care about.
Hello heartlessvicking, I haven’t been on this site for a while, but some time ago you responded to one of my posts. From a selfish side it was good to see a familiar name, but I am sorry the need to be here still exists in the same way I am sorry I am back, but thank you for being here.
Hey Husk, long time no..”see.” Don’t know if you remember me, my old account was Scar504. I remember you from a while back, albeit vaguely. I think you may have been in college then? How are you doing
Hi, I don’t remember that name, but then most users of this site do seem to merge into one another after a while (I’ve been posting far too long.) I didn’t start here until long after college, a fair bit older than the average. I believe there was someone else with a very similar username to me a while back, so it may be them you were thinking of. I’m much the same as I’ve been the 7-8 years I’ve been posting here, stuck in the same mental loops, just older and more lonely. How have you been? Was your absence the result of some progress with your own issues?
In some ways yes. I’m not crushed daily by my negative affect and mostly come to understand the circumstances pertaining to my current life. But you know such things never really leave you. Glad you’re still here though