I’m so tired of feeling tired all of the time. I’ve been running on empty for 15 years now. There might be some physical issues that are contributing to it, but I think it’s probably just depression. I can’t see a way to a life that seems meaningful, so the motivation part of me has just given up. Why bother, when even if I put myself through all the struggle, I still won’t ever get to the point where things feel ok again?
There’s no positive goal that I can use to motivate myself to take action. So the only reason I ever do anything is fear. The rest of the time, I’m just slumped in bed, wasting my life away.
I want so badly to go back, to when I still had some hope in me. But you can’t go back. You can only go forward. And realistically, I can’t see anything worth living for in my future, no matter what I do.
It makes every tiny thing seem so hard – like wading through quicksand. It’s like my body wants to hibernate – to turn myself off, until circumstances somehow magically change. But they haven’t, and they won’t. Nothing will change, unless I do something to change it. And even if I do everything I can and should, I don’t believe anything will really change, deep down. There’ll still be this bottomless well of regret, longing, despair, and loneliness. So why bother?