I’m not sure what to do, but I’m trying at least. I genuinely am. I know in the end I’m an ungrateful asshole because of how I feel and how I am, despite what I have. I heard my mom and stepdad talking about how good of kids we all are, and I felt shitty because I’m not as good as they believe me to be, I’m not even sure how they came to that really. I do try to be as good as I can… I don’t always do very good, but sometimes I do. I’m trying to improve and stop being this stupid toxic self.
My gf is okay right now, which is relieving for me, because I worry a lot. I really miss them… it makes life really difficult sometimes. I don’t want to be that partner who bitches about everything, so I try to lay low unless it gets really bad. I don’t want them to feel worse, or like they can’t talk to me. The other day (yesterday? I can’t even remember anymore) they said something about wanting to talk stuff going on with them, but they were scared they were making me sad… mainly because I wasn’t doing very well either that day. Of course, they weren’t the reason why I was depressed. I just feel like shit when stuff like that happens. In the back of my mind, I know I’ll say or do some stupid shit that will make the people I care about feel awful. I’m really ashamed of it. For the past few years, I’m isolating more and more, but now that we’re talking, I guess stuff is just spilling over. I don’t tell my friends anything. I’ll talk to my counselor at school, but I try to keep it at a minimum, because at the end I’m simply wasting her time as well. I guess at some point whenever I stop being an unemployed loser I can pay for therapy if I think it’s severe enough. Might not though, hell I might not even make it. It’s hard to imagine making it.
I guess for now I’m still trying… even if I don’t really want to. I have her to hold on to, and I’d also like to be of some use to my family too, and friends. I care about them too obviously, but I can’t live without her. I love her so much. And they always say I’m why they’re holding on, which is sweet, and I hope they don’t just say that… I wouldn’t think so, but I overthink everything anyway.
And honestly, I’m just sick of the world. It’s shit and all I ever hear about it is shit, and I’m starting to become convinced that there is no good in the world anymore. Like, all around I mean. I get really paranoid out of nowhere, whether wondering if somebody out there is out to get me or if the whole world is just going to explode. It’s ridiculous honestly, dreams don’t really help in that regard. But I think the no-good thing is starting to get to me. I guess part of it could be the media I consume, and I’m going to try and work around that a little and see if that’s the case. I guess it’s stupid and pointless but oh well. I guess I just need confirmation that there’s something good out there. I’m so tired of everything.
Everything’s been a bit of a blur, at least for a few months. I feel so low and numb to a point. I don’t know if it’s because of things being so repetitive or what, I just feel like nothing makes sense and I can’t remember anything except feeling like shit. Everything is just horrible. I’m horrible. I guess I deserve this, but I’m still trying. I don’t know why the hell I bother. I know I’ll just become another dead beat nobody in the world and fade away later on. I feel like saying stuff like this or similar makes me seem super edgy and it makes me want to just shut up lol I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m just overthinking again. I don’t understand how my brain goes on overdrive or something but the rest of me is so numb and autopilot. I guess that’s just the way it is.
At this point I’m kind of just rambling about nothing. I don’t know why I keep coming here, I feel like I have nothing to say but at the same time I just want some form of relief because I can’t just shut up and carry on. I wish I were like that. I feel like I would be more helpful, instead of just getting into these phases not knowing what to do. It’s hard for me to believe it would matter to anyone when I’m gone. I’m working on it, I just can’t wrap my head around anyone missing somebody like me hahaha. I wish to god they were here right now, I miss them so fucking much. I don’t wanna bother them about anything. I feel like it’s all I do with everybody.
I’m trying really hard to be worth something, not just this thing that just complains all day and is essentially useless … somebody worth staying alive…