For me the big one is politics, that is things I do that actively undermine my sanity. The problem is that my former career, which I get tempted to resume from time to time, depends HEAVILY on political machinations. Just because I can’t do it right now… doesn’t mean I stopped caring.
But then sometimes I engage…. like I just made the mistake of doing…. and I pour myself out. Afterwards I’m shaking really bad, feeling a strong desire to dissociate
I want to get better, but I don’t know how to do that if it means I need to stop caring. As it is, I made some progress, stayed mostly off social media today….. that’s my current boggart to tackle; social media as it stands now is a worse habit than smoking, definitely harder to get away from. As I detangle myself I notice more and more how it makes me engage, pushes my buttons just to drive me nuts.
Not working sucks, way too much time, and sometimes too much energy. I guess I could start riding my bicycle regardless of the weather… I do have the outerwear to accomplish that
It feels like a trap, trying to pull it together, most of all exercise and positive thinking…. I’ve rode those trains before, and it took me to a place where I was vulnerable to stuff I don’t want to be vulnerable to again. Caring itself is the trap, because minus that why even make the effort?
I think eventually I’ll pull it together, but only when I’m doing it for something worthwhile. I’m not doing it again for my family, they’ve cashed those chips. I’m not doing it again for the society I live in, there’s no more to give there. It has to be for me, because it is good for me, and right now I don’t see how pulling MYSELF out of this hole would do that. I guess I want to be rescued….. but probably only because I know no one is coming. I want to be needed, somewhere, anywhere, but not just needed in the nebulous “oh we value your contributions” tripe, but in the “take a personal day, whatever it takes for you to be healthy, because THAT’s how we need you.”
Where I am now, that looks like a fantasy.