Personal Issues

Hello all. This is my first time posting on here. Ive been around since 2017, but just never posted anything. I did try and help a few people out dealing with there mental illnesses. I defintly know the rough and awful ride that can be. I just felt like sharing my story today to help ease my mind. Ive dealt with depression and anxiety majority of my life. Found out i had BPD. I always though finding a significant other was the way to happiness for me. I just wanted to feel love and feel that I had a purpose in the world. Life has been pretty heavy lately. I have people staying i owe money for apartment living. Even though they had all my paper work and subs for the amount i made and such. I had run into issues with my horn. Might have a soft pallet issue. Then i found out i might have Gerd. Have to have a procedure done to check my throat this weak. There’s much more, but i rather not bore you with the other details. Life has just been so hard lately. Like i feel i dont even belong here. I’m tryimg to be someboby but i always feel like a nobody. I feel I was a mistake. I feel like my existence means nothing. I feel… lost. In the depths of darkness. Never to be seen again and never able to find the light i seek. Depression is a monster. It can tear you through life and make it to the point of death. Sometimes i just wish i could push a button and just cease to exist. It’s just not that simple. I was born in a life that i chose not to be in. Sometimes i hate it here. I always see the world being black and white. All good or all bad. The deeper i feel about this, the more I see myself as nothing but a waste of air and life. I don’t have aomeone special to go to in life to tell everything is going to be okay or I am here for you. I don’t get that. All i have is my self and darkness. Just eating away at my heart and soul. To be forever lasting till i grow old. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know how things will turn out. I can only try. While i walk through the path of chaos, I’ll always have bombs hitting my way. What’s to say if that final bomb does me in for good. I dont know. Anyway, if you’re reading this, just know I know what it feels to fall off the wagon. To fall off a mountian. I can understand the pain and suffering you can be afflicted with. Just know that we all deal with this stuff. Maybe more worse than others even. I somewhat see this site a place to relate with one another. I hope that you can as well.