My grandmother wouldn’t care if I killed myself.

Small before hand, the boyfriend I have now isn’t the same one as described in previous posts. Since the first sexual assault post I’ve had two boyfriends, both have assaulted me. This one is new and I’ve been with him for 2 years, he has never hurt me, even when (in fits of trauma) I said he could.

I found out yesterday that my own flesh and blood grandmother would not be sad, would not care, if I killed myself. She took my boyfriend aside a few days after a large fight we (me + my bf vs grandmother) had over a bag of clothes I was trying to get rid of. To make a long story short, she claims she needs to say goodbye to things that aren’t hers, and possibly save some to “give away”. She won’t give them away. She’s a hoarder. She straight up said that if that bag leaves the house before she can look through it, that my boyfriend and I will be homeless. I just turned 18, he’s 19. Our fight ended in me breaking down screaming and crying because I wanted to cut so fucking bad. I haven’t wanted to die that bad in years. My boyfriend had to hold me and comfort me while i screamed until i tasted blood.

Then she says that. She goes to him and says that she wouldn’t be sad if I killed myself, and she wouldn’t let me “hold that over her”. She wouldn’t care if I died. My own grandmother, the one who adopted and took care of me when nobody else could, said she wouldn’t care if I died.

She makes me want to kill myself every day. I currently use they/them and have started finding out that I might be transmasc, but she keeps reminding me that she will only see me as female and that “your gender is what you’re born with.” My grandfather (her husband) told me that “they/thems aren’t human”.

I truly have only one person in this world. My grandfather is abusive. My grandmother is a hoarder and cares more about clothes and grades than my mental health (almost her direct words). I have no friends, the ones I did have prefered to remain friends with two men who sexually assaulted me. My mother is MIA and homeless, she only calls me to beg me for money I don’t have. My father and my sisters live in a different state and I can’t talk to them without having a panic attack. My boyfriend is the only person in the world who cares about me, the only person in the world who would care if I died.

I never thought this username would be so accurate, but it is. I am Truly Alone.

Sorry for the long post, I just…have nobody I can talk to about this.