I’m so tired today. And overwhelmed. I just need a break. Maybe I could play sick? Idk. Seeing as I was always forced to go to school and do things anyway, and would get in trouble on top of that, I’m not sure how well it would work. But maybe it’s worth a shot. I cant stand this shit.
I just want to go home. It’s not been a good day so far. I’ve been forcing myself not to cry for half the day, because I’ve been around elementary kids for one of my classes and that would’ve been embarrassing. Not that high school is much better for that.
I cant tell if I made them(the one person) upset or sad or worried or anything… I hope not. I’m glad I’m able to be honest without them being angry with me, though, or just not caring at all. I just have this paranoia that I’ll be the reason something bad happens. Its kinda complicated. I’m doing my best, my best is just so pitiful right now. How could anyone look at me and be proud? I just can’t understand. Everything is just difficult to understand. I cant be reasonable and just, decide to be fine with not understanding, so it makes matters worse.
It’s been nice out for a few days, I almost forgot what the sun felt like… it was warm. And nice. Today it’s closer to what it’s been before, which bums me out. But it’s not bad I guess. I got to see the daffodils and crocuses(I think that’s what they are?) at the house, they were very pretty. I’m not very good at making it a point to go outside – supposedly that helps things, but whenever I’m out it’s nice.
This month has been a bit of a blur, actually… I couldnt believe it when my phone said it was March 1. God damn. I remember very little, all of it is foggy and full of a depressing darkness in my head. That’s all. I’m just ready for it to stop.
Only a few more hours and the school day is over, I can say I’ve made it through the day, no matter how pitiful it seems. It would be easier if I’d just be satisfied with that, but I cant help but be embarrassed and ashamed in myself about it. Like maybe it wasnt that bad, or it’s just in my head, it was my own fault, or I could’ve just done better somehow. Everything I do just feels like a childish effort. I feel so stupid and inferior.
I just feel so damn depressed… I’m just in pain. I guess it’s my fault for letting it get to me. It still sucks and it still hurts. I feel like the biggest scum of the earth. I also feel like maybe I dont deserve happiness, not yet or never, and maybe I’m just paying for the stupid shit that I am, and the stupid things I’ve done. I dont know, I dont know what to think. Or to do. I’m just really tired. I want a break from this shit in life and in my head.
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I might be a bad person for asking, but what are you getting out of high school? If it’s just a high school diploma… I personally don’t think it’s worth it. I made it through two years of high school before I threw in the towel, got my GED and moved on with my life. It wasn’t academics, it was just a toxic environment to me.
Now, having taken that path, I do wonder about the road not traveled. If I had applied myself I could have learned trig and calculus, both of which I still struggle with. I finished my bachelors degree, so no one really talks about my GED anymore. I’m actually eligible to turn it in for a high school diploma if I wanted to, because college.
But my wife finished high school, and as a result got the first two years of college free and she knows trig and calculus.
Even knowing all that, I don’t think I could have tolerated another two years of it. I could take it on now, at 35, but that’s just silly. It’s cost vs benefits, and the cost was really high for not much in exchange.