I waited too long to eat my dinner, and I got really weak and tired, fell asleep. Woke up, had a small bite of a chicken nugget and threw up everything I’ve eaten today. I knew I was getting hungry but I waited anyway, I feel like I deserved to feel that way. It hurts. My brain hurts me more though. I didnt eat a whole lot yesterday either. I dont really deserve to. I’m too privileged, too much of a piece of shit to really deserve anything. I still feel really weak. I need to eat more but I genuinely dont think I can. I’ve always had stomach issues, even since I was little. It makes things a bit miserable. But I deserve it. I’m stupid and worthless. I feel like an embarrassment. I feel pathetic. Overall unwell.
For school I decided to fuck it and do barely anything, and I did. At this point I just dont care, and my grades are good enough anyway so it doesnt even matter. I wasnt able to play my switch during school much ’cause of the sub I had, she forbid me from playing. She’s fake as hell but she doesnt let anyone ever do anything so no one likes her. I cant stand how fake nice she is. But anyway. I drew stuff to pass the time. Both are decent drawings. Rest of the time I just stared into space. I couldnt really be bothered to care today. Funny enough doing absolutely nothing kinda made the day more bearable.
My family has been a lot to deal with. Constant petty fights and yelling. No one controls my sister and it makes things difficult. They’re all argumentative. It drives me insane. I cant say a word without everyone jumping down my fucking throat. I just need them to shut the hell up. Yes, I love them, but I just cant fucking handle it. It’s so fucking annoying. My dad does nothing, we’re no priority in his eyes, I realized long ago. Just lets his parents deal with us. Are we that unbearable? Why the fuck did you want kids then? I remember my mom telling me when I was young when they we’re getting divorced that he was pretty bummed out that I wasn’t a son but a daughter. That’s a little off topic, but it came to mind anyhow. I shouldnt think of people so harshly. Plus my dad is sick anyway, everyones been getting sick. God I wish they’d stop fucking talking. I dont care how much of an asshole that makes me. I’m already a shitty person anyway so who cares at this point. Everything is pointless.
I just feel so done. I hate that I had to wake up today. But, I guess I just deserve it, I probably deserve worse. I’m tolerable at best I wouldnt ever say I’m too likeable. I’m just pathetic. And fucking weak, I hate how weak I am. Little spoiled brat child. Fuck. I cant stand living. I’m torn between deserving death or not because while it would be beneficial it would also be a form of mercy for me and I dont think I deserve that.
2 comments
My family fights a lot too, pretty much like what you described, my way escaping it I guess is to put both earbuds in and listen to music. Sometimes I can still hear them, but its better than when they’re right next to you screaming at each other. Besides the obvious reason why I hate them fighting, I also have a really bad fear of loud noises especially when they’re sudden. Another thing I do is just try to ignore it or stay away from them when they’re arguing.
I struggle to eat as well, but it’s not something I consciously think about until I’m looking at my available options and just being not interested.
Reframing, maybe worse maybe better, if you feel undeserving of attention, death is going to be a lot of attention. The amount it costs to feed you for ten years is less than the amount it costs for an average funeral. It’s less immediate, but if the primary motivation really is to try and decrease the drag one is on society, dying slow is the way to do that.
Day by day, that’s all we can do. I also encourage you to look for foods that you like so much you can’t resist, and keep those around. I have a thing for oatmeal cream pies and PB&Js, so if I fail to eat anything better, I won’t starve. Oatmeal is quite good too, practically no work at all.