I’m not well. I wish all of it would stop. I know I’m weak. It just hurts. Life is shit. I’m just as bad. I’m too weak and pathetic to do anything about it. I’m useless. My life or death is meaningless. All of it is meaningless. I wish I could stop fucking everything up, I wish I could be more helpful when needed. I wish I was worth the love I’m given. I wish I wasnt so worthless. Wishes are meaningless.
I should stop complaining, I’m too much of a coward do anything anyway. Pathetic little coward. It would be better if people didnt have to waste their time on me. I’m just difficult. I’m being stupid. I feel so awful. Like I’m being crushed. I’m trapped in my head, it’s my prison.
I dont want to be in pain anymore.
3 comments
Being sick doesn’t make you a bad person, and unfortunately it make it easier to feel bad about yourself. Not sure I’m trying to tell you that you are a “good” person, or that I even believe in that any more. You’re a fellow traveler, as far as I’m concerned, on this plummet between birth and death.
I’m going to argue against coward at least on the evidence that you can’t force yourself to die. I’m similarly afflicted, and I’ve never been considered a coward. I’ve faced down psychopaths, insane road conditions, severe survival circumstances and pretty much everything I’ve ever been afraid of I’ve had to confront and deal with.
It’s not fear, it’s empathy. No one knows better how much it hurts to lose people. That you subvert your desire to escape to that empathy makes you very kind.
Pain is a ***** though. I don’t know if it’s possible to live or die pain free. Less pain, that can be done. Identify the reasons, find some sort of resolution.
I’m rooting for you, because you’ve already conquered so much. Not that me saying it makes it any easier for you to believe it, but if it can ease your pain even a little I’m going to try.
You’re very kind to reply, and I’d like to say I do keep things you say in mind, whether or not I believe them or not it means something to me that someone on the internet reading my nonsense seems to think I’m not terrible or anything.
Pain really is a b-itch and even though I’m aware that one can’t live without it I’m still wishing it gone, lessening it seems impossible to me.
I wish the best for you.
Yeah, I can denfintly relate to that. Mental pain is the worse kind of pain to deal with. It can break you down and eat you alive. It can be unbearable to deal with at times too. You think to yourself why I’m here and why was brought here? I still question that myself everyday. I even went back to cigs because of the pain. I needed something at least. Sometimes you wonder if the pain will ever stop or if it’s something you have to live with. The world we live in is so messed up and cold.