i kinda hate my head lol

I feel a bit lonely. And tired. And sad. And gross haha. But anyway.

Sometimes I worry that the people that I care deeply for and who care for me are people I’ve made up in my head, and that really scares me. I dont know what I’d do if I found out the few people who loved me were imaginary and nothing I knew of was real. But I think that way a lot. It scares me.

Today was… meh. Nothing great but not the worst. I didnt get up for a long time, maybe that’s part of it. We (meaning my sister and I) cleaned part of the house before our grandparents came back from their trip. Our dad complained about how gross the house was, told us to help clean, and then he left and did nothing, which made me really angry. My sister drove me up the wall, she wouldnt shut up or leave me alone and I felt like I was going to snap entirely. I told her to leave and she didnt, instead she propped herself on top of me and just stared. I stared back. I kept waiting for her to just do one little thing, where I could just… god, shes only 8, 9 late this month, but I can’t fucking stand it anymore. She respects no boundaries. I told her I’d help if she’d just leave me alone for awhile to cool down, but she never did. Never fucking does. I’m honestly glad shes been out more often with her new friends. She gets what she really wants and needs, I get a good long break. I know all of this probably makes me an asshole. I’m trying to work on it but it’s really difficult for me to control lately. Maybe I just need time away from it all. I’m becoming cynical and bitter. I wanna try to do better than that. Not fun or easy to do.

Maybe what I need is just something new to fixate on, like a new game or new music or different forms of media. It doesnt even have to be “new” but maybe something I havent focused on in awhile. Reading maybe. I read a little bit, the complete cthulu mythos. I read a few short stories out of it. I’ve not finished the whole book yet, maybe I could try to finish that. I dont have access to new games or anything like that due to where I live, and I have to watch how much stuff I watch when I’m down here because of that also (dont wanna have a high phone bill I think my dad would kill me). Anyway it’s all just a thought I guess.

I’m still really struggling. I cant ever tell if my venting is burdensome or not, no one ever says it is but I just worry constantly that I’m making their life worse or making people sad or annoyed and I just feel like all I do is make everyone around me suffer. I hate it. I hate myself so much. Theres nothing I can think of that’s lovable about me. Or even interesting, really. I feel like a very bland and stupid individual. I feel like all my efforts to change that are meaningless. I wish I could just stop. In the end all of it’s my fault anyway.

It just hurts a lot. I still feel as though all life really is is suffering, all in unique and special ways. Then I think of myself, how I’m probably someone’s special form of suffering, and hate myself more. It’s an endless fucking cycle. I hate how alone I feel right now. Fuck it all, rot in hell. I feel like all I do is sit here and rot. Then I come here to complain about dumb shit because that’s all I know how to do. I should be more embarrassed of myself. I don’t even know how I live with myself. I’m so pathetic and vile. I deserve whatever pain and loneliness I feel. Ah… I just dont know anymore. I dont know. It hurts to think about. I just need to do better and better myself as a person as much as possible. That or simply isolate myself from everyone and everything. Or just die. All would be beneficial, really. The first option would be if it was actually successful, but I dont feel too successful at it, but maybe it’s just all in my head and I’m overthinking it. But if I cant do that then the other 2 options would be fine since either way people wouldnt have to deal with. I feel like I’m a difficult and pitiful excuse of a person.