I’m sorry.

I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m never there when you need me as I should be, I’m so unhelpful. You deserve better than this, better than me. I’m sorry for being fucking stupid and writing a note of goodbye soley due to my pain. It’s costed years of time apart that I regret every fucking day. I’m sorry for all this time that I’ve not been there physically to hold you and help you feel safe and loved like you deserve to feel. I’m sorry for being such a difficult person to deal with. I overthink everything and it makes you wonder if you’re doing something wrong when you never are, I’m just being fucking stupid. I never meant to cause you pain. I’m so sorry. I never meant any of it. I don’t mean to be like this. I know if you were to ever come across this (I hope to god you don’t) you would deny all of it and tell me how good I am because you’re so sweet and you’re the best person I’ve ever met… I’m so lucky you’re still alive and you still choose to be with me/put up with me. I’m sorry I never show it or probably even say it enough but it’s true that I appreciate you so much and I love you with all my heart… despite how much I fail you. Constantly. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for always falling short, I’m sorry for failing you, I’m sorry for causing you any kind of pain ever. I’m sorry for being the reason we are apart. Mom fucked up to just wanna kick us out, yes, but I’m the one that caused it all. None of it can be erased. I’m sorry for not being there during the 2 years of silence when you were at your absolute lowest… I should’ve done more to get in contact with you but I had no idea what to do… I never did enough. I’m a horrible excuse of a person, and I’ve just let/watched so much horrible shit happen to you and I’m here being fucking useless and not helping in any way. Distance is a horrible excuse, it’s my fault for this distance. God I fucking wish you were here. But I don’t deserve you at all. You’re so beautiful and perfect and I don’t know what you see in scum like me… You know I’ll always try my best for you no matter what, but I also know it will probably never be enough or what you deserve. I just love you so much and I don’t know what to do. I’m full of guilt and regret, and I know I deserve it. I’m sorry I wasn’t there last night when you were really struggling, you really needed me there physically and I’m so proud of you that you even asked for help at all. You’re still progressing getting away from sh and I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come. I’m sorry for not doing enough like I should. I’m sorry for failing you. I’m sorry for all the times that you needed hugs or cuddles or kisses I was gone. I’m so sorry for all of this shit and more. I can’t even write anymore. None of this can be erased. I can only hope I never directly caused you to do anything in the years we’ve known each other, but god I’m fucking terrified. I’m sorry again and again and again. Please know that I love you. I’m sorry.