Miserable Wretch

I was going to write something new about it, only to realize you aptly started the discussion here. It’s one of the softer questions, because most recovery doesn’t put much into it; why do I behave in ways I do not want to?

Today the issue at hand for me is why am I spending most of the afternoon watching depressing video essays and refreshing the shipping page for my new mobo….. and I think a “healthy” version of me wouldn’t be so upset. I could easier see myself making peace with this nihilist streak than actually defeating it.

but I need to find a specific direction to point, a specific ill to cure if I am going to bring about change. At the exact same time, I don’t complain about the “positive” maladaptive behavior; cleaning. I don’t clean nearly as much when I’m not in semi panic, and it’s starting to make me wonder if I force myself into panic so I clean….

meh. I’m aiming more with at peace with the abyss than turning away from it. I remember wanting “something” or “meaning” earlier in my life, before I was so disillusioned with those things, and so entranced with the abyss, an eternal source and destination of nothingness. It’s the most soothing thing in the universe…. at least I find it so.