tough question… mainly because I don’t think we get to choose. We’re stuck in a crappy situation and our first 2 choices aren’t available (A – happiness, B – death) so for me it comes down to C – whatever. Not really a choice so much as acceptance. and I hate that. But like I said, my real choices are gone so it’s like scraping up whatever’s left, forcing yourself (deluding yourself) into thinking it’s ok.
more often than not, that’s the prescribed cure for depression. ‘be happy with what you have’ (even if it’s a horrible life). I can’t hack my brain like that which is why I have such a problematic relationship with drugs and SH, the only things that dull my mind into accepting option C
thats the long rambling answer. my short one is I guess I’m trying my best to carve out a tiny safe space where I can tolerate life, maybe find a few moments of deluded happiness. cleaning my room spotless, organizing it to perfection, decorating it with nice things or even luxurious furniture and valuables, to convince myself that my bubble is safe.
at least you have a nice safe bubble. our little fishbowl should be nice. it’s where we’re at most of the time and it’s the only place we can actually have some control. i don’t have my own place and it’ll be a while before i have a decent one. not having a nice permanent place to live fucking sucks ass. how am i supposed to be HAPPY without a nice place to live? i had my own place up till 6mo ago. bouncing around from crappy environment to crappy environment does not a happy well adjusted person make. -_-
I like to consider myself a cautionary tale for the young people… someone needs to get to them before they blow their body trying to keep up with a system that considers them disposable. If I can save one bright young person, I’d consider my job well done.
I’m too tired and old to take on the monsters in this world, but I can train the next generation. Patience is quite often the only tool I have. One day those I hate will be dead, and based on current data I won’t be, then it’s on me to change the narrative. Survive is my entire purpose right now, in hopes that someday I can live.
just feel old, I’m 35, but every single day I’m reminded that I’m not 25 or 18 anymore… when I think about what I could accomplish had I the cynicism and knowledge I have now combined with that kind of endurance and energy….. I know it’s useless to regret, but I still wish I could go back and start being who I really am younger.
I’m looking for one, sole soul that I can connect and have mutual happiness. I do believe it’s out there—clearly that person would have to have similar experiences for us to be truly relatable. How the eff could I ever be truly honest and have any faith in my future partner-in-crime unless she’s been with similar (suicidal) ideations? I really can’t trust another sheep in the Matrix, ever again
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tough question… mainly because I don’t think we get to choose. We’re stuck in a crappy situation and our first 2 choices aren’t available (A – happiness, B – death) so for me it comes down to C – whatever. Not really a choice so much as acceptance. and I hate that. But like I said, my real choices are gone so it’s like scraping up whatever’s left, forcing yourself (deluding yourself) into thinking it’s ok.
more often than not, that’s the prescribed cure for depression. ‘be happy with what you have’ (even if it’s a horrible life). I can’t hack my brain like that which is why I have such a problematic relationship with drugs and SH, the only things that dull my mind into accepting option C
thats the long rambling answer. my short one is I guess I’m trying my best to carve out a tiny safe space where I can tolerate life, maybe find a few moments of deluded happiness. cleaning my room spotless, organizing it to perfection, decorating it with nice things or even luxurious furniture and valuables, to convince myself that my bubble is safe.
at least you have a nice safe bubble. our little fishbowl should be nice. it’s where we’re at most of the time and it’s the only place we can actually have some control. i don’t have my own place and it’ll be a while before i have a decent one. not having a nice permanent place to live fucking sucks ass. how am i supposed to be HAPPY without a nice place to live? i had my own place up till 6mo ago. bouncing around from crappy environment to crappy environment does not a happy well adjusted person make. -_-
I like to consider myself a cautionary tale for the young people… someone needs to get to them before they blow their body trying to keep up with a system that considers them disposable. If I can save one bright young person, I’d consider my job well done.
I’m too tired and old to take on the monsters in this world, but I can train the next generation. Patience is quite often the only tool I have. One day those I hate will be dead, and based on current data I won’t be, then it’s on me to change the narrative. Survive is my entire purpose right now, in hopes that someday I can live.
are you “old” or just “feel old” like me? for some reason i thought you were in your 40s (though 40s isn’t young either).
just feel old, I’m 35, but every single day I’m reminded that I’m not 25 or 18 anymore… when I think about what I could accomplish had I the cynicism and knowledge I have now combined with that kind of endurance and energy….. I know it’s useless to regret, but I still wish I could go back and start being who I really am younger.
I’m looking for one, sole soul that I can connect and have mutual happiness. I do believe it’s out there—clearly that person would have to have similar experiences for us to be truly relatable. How the eff could I ever be truly honest and have any faith in my future partner-in-crime unless she’s been with similar (suicidal) ideations? I really can’t trust another sheep in the Matrix, ever again
Having said that, I’m giving myself about 5-6 years at the max.
I look to our Lord Jesus Christ, Who is Life ????
Plod. Head down. Praying for death.