Graphic* Trigger Warning*

I can’t wait for this to be over. For now, I’m still stuck in a loop. I can’t stop thinking about my childhood friends. I miss their smiles. Our gut laughs. It’s a desperate feeling, how much I want them back. They weren’t good friends. They all fled when I lost my mind and I needed them so much back then. I’ve thought about them everyday. It’s so hard for me to move on. I think trying’s just a game anymore. And I’ve learned that being perceived as mentally ill warrants head-games from other people. It’s a useless and painful existence.

The sight of my failures gives me a bad nostalgia where I get images and smells from the worst years of my life stuck in my head. Painful memories. I’m comparing myself to back then and I’m still struggling just as badly. Nobody wants me around. I have nothing to offer. I wish I could give my youth to someone who really needs it. Suddenly, I have this insecurity that conspiracy theorists and scientists share the viewpoint that people like me aren’t needed… That depopulation is a good idea because I’m not worth it. So weird, right? LoL I have no idea what people “out there” want from me. Am I a useless loser? I mean it is true. Actually, An unhappy, useless, gay loser. I’ve put my body through hell this past year with attempts. I think being bullied really pushed me to my limits. And I tried an antidepressant, but it didn’t work. I wish there was an answer. There isn’t one. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems. I want others that know me to grow and be themselves. They can’t do that if I’m like this all the time. I’m not there with them. I can’t be present with them. I’m shut away in my mind. In this room. I wish I could be happy. I wish I wasn’t trash. Worthless. I don’t deserve anything. There’s nothing to work on. I’m set in my destiny to achieve a painless existence. That’s all. If there’s nothing else beyond this, so be it. I’m okay with that. Just steal my pain. Burn my body. The earth will one day disappear anyway, why care about a skeleton or a headstone? It took me a while to accept that if I died early, I couldn’t afford a headstone or a grave. David Bowie was more confident in being cremated, so that’s comforting. I wouldn’t want to traumatize someone with a viewing/funeral. It’s scary, how my face will look flatter and my hands too. I’d look, you know, like someone else. a shriveled creature. That isn’t fair to my family. To put them through that. It’s better to visit with them. Just fantasizing, though. Now, as far as picking my last outfit if I had a choice, I’d wear black, definitely if I can pull it off. I like looking more manly, actually. I guess it only matters to me. My flesh will probably bloat or cave in, turn grey. Doesn’t matter. I want to be myself and bring out my soul with what I choose to wear. Things that remind me of me. My favorite cologne. Maybe lavender incense. I don’t know yet. I want my favorite family photos around me. A dose of what it used to feel like before,  comfortable, happy. warm personalities around me. Family reunions, catching up. It used to be so great. It’s nobody’s fault, either. Nothing could be done. I’m mentally ill. Life is unattainable. A burning hell, the world. I feel like I’m winning with this. I think there’s this thing where people try to live up to something, and they fix their hair and do their make up or conform to something to belong. Or like, talking to yourself in public when, idk. I’ve been there, too. I think this is the mature way to accept that not everyone can “be” , not me. Time has proven so much.

I wish there was a beautiful place where I could go to die. I wouldn’t say auditorium, maybe like a gallery that doesn’t feel like a hospice thing. Or a dentist’s office. Idk what I’m going to do yet. Idk what I’m going to wear. I can’t go shopping until next weekend. And flowers are expensive. I love roses. How am I supposed to set this up? I’m not very good at this. I don’t want to wait another month.

I want it to look as peaceful as possible. I want to be surrounded by roses and family photos. I want copies of my favorite art and artists in the room. I want to look formal. I want my hair to look good. Can a guy wear lipstick? I don’t want to look nuts. This stupid town. I wrote these rough draft notes for my loved ones. Even then, I’m not finished. I might order a nice set of writing supplies and letters, envelopes. Is it a big fuck you if I choose a wax seal for the envelopes? Or did I take it seriously? I want to pick out rings that I like. I used to wear them, and kind of miss it. Idk how ‘comfortable’ will feel when I get to that point. Idk about shoes, either. I’m lost on that, actually. Lol Yearbook moment where you feel handsome but it looks tacky and awkward. Lego hair, braces. “The cuttin corral” “the bald cock” haircut, it’s so bad. Jesus Christ.