I’m sorry to everyone (irl) who care(s)(d) about me in this life, despite being a worthless little nothing. For whining and being selfish. For being unreliable and bad with words for comfort. Even when trying to help, which is as much as possible, all I do is destroy and ruin. To my partner: you deserve better… I think you know that. I’m sorry I wrote the note that got me sent here. Everything after has been a domino effect of that. I’m sorry for being so disgusting and selfish. I still love you.
I havent eaten anything yet today and I dont think I will. For two reason. 1. Punishment, and 2… I “made” it to 100 lbs. The one thing I try to keep under, I failed and lost control of. I fucking hate it. Funny, I’m not really hungry. Weak, have a headache, but not hungry. I’ve grown weak. I used to be able to do this no problem. Unintentionally, even.
Maybe, just maybe, I can starve out the rot ahahaha. I deserve this feeling anyway. This horrible ache. It’s all my fault. I was just in so much pain back then when I wrote that damn thing years ago. It never went away. I promised my partner I’d hold on. I have… so far. I just wonder the benefits of the lack of my existence. Not just for my partner but everyone. My family, friends, anyone who deals with me on the day to day. If nothing else, it’s one less person to ever have to deal with again, you know?
None of it really matters anyway I guess. Any whisper of good that I begin to look forward to or to hold on to, is snatched away in an instant. Theres no point anymore. I’m really tired, I’d nap the day away if I wasnt babysitting. I was supposed to be able to go to my friends house today…. but ah, shes probably better off without me anyhow. I don’t know anymore. I’m craving food again but I wont let myself have it and if I do I’ll just hate myself even more and this whole thing is so exhausting.
Sorry this is all over the place, I cant seem to think very clearly right now. Everything just hurts.
3 comments
Aww. Eat something, it’s okay. Take a break. It’s alright to feel like crap sometimes, nobody’s perfect.
Maybe fruits veggies… Keep it light if you must. You aren’t a horrible creature.
having been there, the pain aint worth it, no matter how awful you may feel about yourself… try and trick yourself into eating something, even if it’s not much. Oatmeal is really good for that, not much work to eat, decent blood sugar recovery
IDK, the fact that if I kept at it long enough I’d have to be on IV fluids in a hospital, and I’ve seen what that looks like….. there’s nothing that could drive me to the point of considering that a worthwhile risk. Have you been hospitalized? I can’t imagine how anyone who has would want a repeat performance…. then again maybe I was just taken to a truly awful hospital.
Do something for yourself that you can’t get in the hospital, play a video game, have a smoke, go for a walk in the park, you don’t realize how much you’ll miss those things until you don’t have them.