aching

All life is is constant ache that never goes away, only pretends to do so for a day or 2, giving you a hope that things will get better, you will get better, and life will be okay. But it never is, for one reason or another. I want out of my head. Not the world I created in my head, though, just my head. The scary part. The real life. It’s a neverending fucking pain. I cant take the neverending pain. I’m a very weak individual, both for wanting to die and yet being too scared to do so. I feel as if it would be better for everyone all around. I want relief, I want a break from this feeling. This horrible, achy feeling in my chest, in my head. I want to go away from everything. I want out of the existence. It all hurts so much. I really need (one) *them* right now but I can never get ahold of them anymore. I just… I need them. I dont think they realize that right now. I try my best to help, but maybe I’m just too much of a dumb piece of shit to be able to do anything. Maybe they’re tired of me. Maybe they dont want to see me anymore. I guess I cant blame them. I cant keep thinking about that or I will lose my shit. I’m stupid and worthless anyway and just a pile of rot who doesnt deserve to feel anything good and just deserves to die. It’s an ache that never stops aching, a cycle that will never stop cycling. The neverending search for relief and distraction and I pace the floor until my feet cant bare it (lmao get it) and game until my eyes cant stay open and nothing makes it stop it wont ever stop and I just want to die. I just want to be held and be told everything will be okay. I want to know I’m actually appreciated. Even though I probably dont deserve it. I want to know I’m loved. Even though I’ve not earned it. Even though all I am is a failure of a child and I’m a rotten disappointment. It HURTS and I cant stand it anymore… the pain is too much and NO one seems to believe me fucking ever… I just dont understand. I want to be dead. That’s all right now. To be in an eternal sleep. No more nightmares. No more of this nightmarish life. I swear to god I will go through with it one day. I will finally break – or find the strength, however one would put it – to put an end to it. This life is meaningless pain and loneliness.