I cant stop thinking about things. I wish I could be lovable, worth loving. Yet I’m this. Rotten pile of scum. Perhaps if I changed entirely, as in no part of myself existed anymore, and I was completely different, better, then maybe I would be. There must be something wrong with me that I can change. I want to be worth loving. I don’t want someone loving me to be a burden on their life. I don’t want it to be an obligation, or something someone does out of pity. But, all I am is pitiful. I’m ashamed of my existence. People say to change what you dont like about yourself, or situations, etc. Well, this change would require death. Unless, as I said before, I could change myself entirely and leave this soul in the abyss. But I dont think that’s possible. Highly doubt it, even. I can’t love myself when I can’t even find anything lovable about me. I’m a selfish asshole and a piece of shit who’s let too much happen. “What could you have done though??” the “””logical””” part of my brain says. Well, something, anything, and better. I fucking hate myself. How anyone can look at me I’ve yet to know. I guess nobody knows anything. I feel so worthless and pathetic and stupid. I don’t want to wake up ever again. The world would be better off with one less person. One less me. I’m so unlovable. I just want to be loved and to know its okay to be loved because I’m not rotten. How do I change that? How do I reach that goal? Am I being stupid not knowing its impossible, or am I being stupid as in overthinking it again? I hate my head. My stupid head. I don’t want to be worthless like this. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to so unlovable or so pitiful. I want a hug so fucking bad right now. I just want to know I’m worth loving and being around. I guess constant, constant, constant reassurance probably annoys the fuck out of people. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why am I like this? I guess I wasnt lovable when I was young either, ’cause my family didn’t ever want to talk to me or put up with me. Maybe I stressed my mom out too much so she turned to the stuff she did back then even more. I was a stupid kid. I’m a stupid fuck now. I’m being selfish again. I’m not worth it. I should do more to deserve it. I don’t because I’m rotten. I’m so vile. I should get sick every time I think about myself. So disgusting and unlikable.
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I have a soft spot for the damaged, the hurting, and the hard to love. As yet, not a particularly useful inclination, but you’d have a hard time proving yourself to me as purely unlovable. I don’t doubt that you hate yourself, and perhaps even the people around you are less than fond. I don’t want to invalidate your experience.
Do you ever do anything just for yourself? Just because it feels good? Maybe you dislike yourself so because you are so hard on yourself. If you acted as though your feelings and thoughts had value, maybe they would grow to.
I don’t think it’s an impossible task, just difficult. I think you are feeling your way towards some sort of solution. If I can help in that regard, I’d be glad to. But you have my confidence, that I consider you both worthy of the effort, and capable of the task.
It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. You have to learn to love yourself, okay maybe just like yourself, before others can be convinced of it. I’ve been a slave to the expectations and desires of others, and they’ll never thank you for it or appreciate it.