The part of me that wants to end it is unlikely to be strong enough to prevail anytime soon, unless there’s some kind of catastrophic development. This animal apparently wants to cling to survival, regardless of misery.
But the delusional optimist in me isn’t strong enough either, to push me to finally sort my life out. It would probably be the smart thing, in terms of having fewer regrets in future. At least then I wouldn’t have to wonder about what would’ve happened if I’d really tried at this point in my life, the way I do about times in my past. But the odds of any kind of reward just don’t seem strong enough to motivate me to keep going. I can see myself doing everything that’s reasonable to improve myself, and still being miserable.
The drive to give up and continue to drift through life is always so powerful. Not to the extent that I don’t feel the urge to change, or bad about wasting my time. But it’s just easier than really trying, when there’s no hope. That hurts more, and it takes more effort.
So I lie in bed, during the day, the blinds closed. I have no work for a week, and I don’t go looking for more. I waste my time on youtube and twitch, absorbed in the lives of people who haven’t failed as badly as me. I’m always tired, and consumed by loneliness. I barely have enough food in the house, because I’ve been avoiding going out. I won’t starve, but I am hungry. and sick of eating the same meal. I need to shave, and shower, and put on slightly less disgusting clothes, and navigate the outside world without looking like a twitchy vampire.
But mostly I want to delay, and forget, and pretend that this isn’t the reality I’ve created.
4 comments
The limbo between choosing death and choosing life is a terrible one. I hope you can find the strength to change like you want to.
True. Thanks, I appreciate that.
for some reason the phrase “delusional optimist” really hits me. But it’s like you said, if it’s not strong enough to overcome reality then it just drifts back into the noise.
I think it’s good to admit you have that side, maybe on low burn but it’s there. I think we all come into life as delusional optimists but over the course of life’s BS it gets buried. Or worse, it becomes a mockery of what we’ve become.
I think for most people it’s not that delusional. Or maybe it’s just more general. As a kid, maybe you’re able to slide by with the assumption that no one you love will die. Or that somehow you won’t grow old, and die yourself.
Whereas for me now, the delusional optimism is allowing myself to believe that anyone else could ever value who I am. Which for most people I would consider reasonable optimism.