I regret waking up. I just feel so low. So worthless. So stupid. Partially for the last few posts. Just shows how pathetic of a brat I am. A rotten brat. I should just go back to sleep and never show my face…
I hope my partner texts back soon, at some point… silence kills me. I know its probably all my fault anyway, but I just want to know if they’re alright, if they still even care… but moving on, because thinking of that for too long makes everything worse.
This weekend I’m going with my friend to see her family up at the lakes, a vacation of sorts. I dont know if she wants me there or not. Her mom invited me, just like last year, and I’m hoping and assuming she’s alright with it. Now… I’m not even sure I want to go. I’m sure I’ll have more fun while I’m there, but I’m just not feeling anything right now. Hm… maybe a mini vacation would do me some good. I like hanging out with my friend, it does perk me up… but I cant help but wonder if she just feels she has to put up with me, stuck with me in some way she never asked for. Maybe I’m too annoying when I get excited… maybe I’m just too annoying in general… I really ruin everything for myself. Ah, I’m sure it will go smoothly enough.
Also, people came over last night. I’m wary of people anyway, but it went fine enough. I got lovely comments on how much I must like pie… (because I wanted to try one I never had before) and… that I look like I’m 10, no where near close supposed to be graduated. 10’s a new one, the lowest, stings a whole new way. Oh, but of course, it’ll be a compliment when I’m 40. Well, for one, I gotta make it there first, and two, why cant you just wait until then where it’s a compliment then? It’s just insulting now. I wish people wouldnt comment on my weight and appearance so much… I’m probably just being a sensitive little brat, but still… it’s never complementary.
I wonder if I’ll ever be worth anything. To anyone. To my friend or partner. Or if I’m just losing my mind. When people look at me I see daggers in their eyes. What am I doing wrong now?… when did I ever do anything right? I feel so worthless. I’m sure I deserve it that way.
1 comment
I hope your partner gets back to you. Maybe the vacation would be good for you. If your friend is a friend, they’d want you there.
If you don’t feel comfortable with the comments people make about your appearance, that doesn’t make you a brat. It’s actually quite reasonable not to like them.
Lastly you’re not a brat for going through this. You’re also not worthless. I’m sure the people around you feel the same. Hope things get better for you.