I could’ve been something.
I could’ve made it.
Actually, I DID make it out.
But then I got sick.
And the Universe fucked me over.
And over and over and over.
Along with shitty people.
TONS of shitty people.
And back down I slid.
Every year for the last 15 years I’ve slid downhill.
And now I feel so far gone, I’m not sure I can even get back out of this hellscape.
I almost made it.
I almost fucking made it out.
ALMOST.
Fuck me. Fuck my shitty life.
GODDAMNIT, I ALMOST MADE IT OUT.
I’m so fucking angry.
I’m so defeated.
I could cry and scream but that does me no good.
I CAN’T ESCAPE THIS HELL.
I wanted to make something of myself before my short miserable life ended.
But nooooooooo, life/this universe just fucks me over in every way.
And now I have NO energy, NO will left to claw myself out of this shitty broken life.
A part of me obviously still wants to right my life.
But idk if I can.
First, I would need MONEY to get out of this shit situation I’m in.
But being sick I can’t work and make money, so…what then?
I feel too far gone.
I don’t want to give up but I also no longer have the strength and energy to fight.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of it all.
I don’t want to die a failure, but I have no oomph/willpower/energy left to climb out of this shithole. It’s like I’ve fallen 100ft deep into a hole, and every year it gets harder and harder to get out, and I fall deeper and deeper. 15 fucking years and this is the result. I’m more broken than ever. I’m more fucked up than ever. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And what little help has also gone away. It’s like sure, there is a rope to get me out, but that rope is 80ft away, above me. I’d have to get from -100ft to -20ft before I can even get any lifeline or help.
How do I claw myself up from this hell? I don’t have my health and don’t have much “oomph” left. The fight in me has diminished to a tiny candle, about to be blown out.
There is always that inner fight, a part of me still wants to fight for a better life, but that fight vs defeated hopelessness has gone from 90% vs 10% to maybe about 25% to 75% now.
I’m so tired. I wish I had someone to help, someone to lean on, someone to take care of me. I’ve NEVER had ANYONE my whole life. Those of you who had unconditional love from your parents have no idea what it’s like to be completely alone and on your own. It 100% changes you when you know you have NO ONE you can count on.
All I had was myself. And I had enough fight in me in the past to fight that uphill battle to eek out a normal white collar middle class life. And I had done it. But that all went away when I got sick/injured. Idk how much of my being sick is an excuse. There is a part of me that could try harder, but every day I feel sick, fatigued and depressed and hopeless and angry. Yes that part is on me, which then feeds my depression even more.
I mean I legit have fatigue issues and health issues that prevent me from being as productive as I want and doing stuff I want, but how much of it is my health vs my own damn fault for giving up?
I did try so hard damnit. Especially my early life to claw myself out of poverty. All for naught in the end…
I’m tired. I have very little fight left me in.
I wish someone would whisk me away to a better life and less worries, but that’s never going to happen as long as I’m stuck here, in this life, and not meeting anyone or doing anything with my life.