I’m the problem.

I’m the reason why I’m the way I am. A mess, unable to properly convey myself to the people who truly give a shit about me.

I’m the problem. I’ve known that since 2016.

I hate the thing I currently am. I’m no person. I’m some ugly machine. A defective one. How do I even tell anyone these things?

I over relied on someone. They’re far away and with someone else now. We’re still friends but when she’s not well, she withdraws from everyone, and I hate that I can’t speak with her. I think I’m trying too hard to keep up what we had but things are different, and I can accept it, but I hear from her less and less now, and I believe I’m still the problem since she’s no longer really talking to me. If I stopped messaging her, I’m sure it’d be months before she said anything back.

Too much going on. I’m losing it again it seems. Not sure how to even course correct myself. I hate how jaded I’ve been.

I am definitely the problem here.