haven’t seen any posts like this on this site but I figured I’d shoutout to anyone who gets it. If you’re familiar with the term “high functioning” or the obsolete and controversial label “asberger syndrome” then that’s in the ballpark. But I’m talking about fucking supercalifragilistic high functioning followed immediately by extended periods of catastrophic paralysis, or outright self destruction. You could also imagine bipolar with the knob cranked up to 11, although that’s not exactly it either.
With me it manifests itself with a “drill sergeant” personality that sometimes unexpectedly kicks in. And he’s a real fucking dick. But most of the time it’s effective (until the backlash when the pain sets in). To put it in physical terms it’s like trying to push a boulder up a mountain with someone shouting in your ear that you’re a fucking pathetic piece of shit. You’ll get these moments of spiteful superhuman strength just to make him shut up, but then the boulder will likely roll back over your ass. Repeat.
Anyway I’m in one of those moments right now. Something needs to get done, something I’ve been avoiding for years but it’s coming to a head in the next 2 days. It’s a nearly impossible task that would require a team of people but I have to do it all by myself. And That asshole drill sergeant is spitting in my ear again. it’s making me more volatile than a sack of grenades.
i believe this is very relevant to suicide.
We can’t know exactly what goes though people’s heads in the moments before a successful suicide- especially the violent ones, jumping, gunshot, immolation, slashing. I believe there must be a huge adrenaline rush, a sort of insanity of desperation that pushes people to bridge life & death like that, consciously, deliberately, spitefully. I believe that drill sergeant is right there up to the very end. Maybe suicide is the only way to beat him
3 comments
jfc I couild so easily do this too. impossible as it is I’m the 1 fucking human who has the knowledge talent and physical stamina to pull it off by myself but not if im spinning out of control with no stability. you could be the strongest fuckker in the world able to lift 1000 lbs over your head but if you’re on hot buttered rollerskates you couldnt lift a box of tissues. fuck this man. and fuck all the spectators and kibitzers on the sidelines (irl nobody here obvi) who are sitting on their pool floats watching me and saying wow dude you almost got it as they sip their mint fucking juleps
ha fucking haha imagine if i tweeted that to my followers. OOPSIE ignore the man behind the curtain.. must be too much covfefe
Ah, that feels better. Nothing like a little SH and some drugs in your veins to compensate for the utter lack of balance. When I’m dead and they gossip the usual “struggled with addiction” bullshit, I swear to holy ass I’ll claw out of my grave, grab them by the throat and say “No, I didn’t struggle with addiction. I struggled with having zero support. Addiction was just the workaround.”