I can’t feel my hands as I type this. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t do this anymore I can’t I can’t I just can’t. I keep thinking about it. I have to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. What is wrong with me. Why am I like this. Fuck. I can feel it. Doing something impulsive. There’s no one to talk to. No one I can talk to. I’m all alone. I shouldn’t be. I don’t think I can control it. Oh my god I just want to fucking die and I want escape from this horrible life and this horrible brain I’ve been cursed with. This isn’t real it just can’t be it just can’t. I know I deserve this. It has to stop I can’t do this. I’m going to do something. I think. I keep telling myself to. I might listen this time. Everything’s blurry. I feel sick. I can’t breathe or feel my body. I feel like shutting down.
I cannot keep fucking doing this if they’re all just going to leave I have no purpose for this world and I’m just going to end it all because I cannot mentally take this shit anymore it hurts so bad and I cannot be alone and no one is understanding that but maybe this is what they want I don’t know anymore I just know it hurts and I have nothing to make it better and nothing is going away and I can’t stop thinking about it I just can’t do this anymore please make it stop
I’m sure I can find something to use. If they cared – if anyone cared – they would’ve said something surely. Not just left me in the void. Why do they all go. What do I do wrong. It doesn’t matter. I want to be dead. I should be. It would probably make everyone happy. I wouldn’t feel anything. A win win. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t feel this phone in my hand. I’m rocking but I can’t feel it. Please stop please stop please stop
5 comments
It sounds like you’re spiralling, and perhaps too deep to interrupt it. Trying to tap my emergency plan; damage control. The spiralling is amplifying your pain, so trying to find a way to break the loop is the ideal. Else, you’ll run out of energy, this panic/frantic feeling WILL end. You don’t have to feel this way again.
Chances are things are at their worst, which sucks. On the other hand, it’s going to get easier, the downward spiral will find a limit and you’ll start coming back up.
Is there anything you can do for yourself in this moment? Grounding might help, the two I know is to pick five things you can see and name them out loud. That’s pretty good. The other that works for me is to pour a cup of water and drink it.
I hate being online in this sort of scenario, because the best thing I could do is to be there for you, to listen. I’m here for you, if you need me. You might be physically alone, but your mind doesn’t have to be.
I’m a little “better” after rambling… but not much. I’m trying to distract myself from it. With background noise or playing on my switch but neither is doing very much. Just doing things with my hands so they don’t latch on to something to off myself. As if it matters, haha.
I also dont want to cry audibly, I don’t even have a door to muffle the sound, and I used to get in trouble for crying and I dony want to explain myself or get in trouble
everythings so fuzzy and out of control right now. I kinda feel like I’ve taken a backseat in my body for the time being
maybe I should get some water like you’ve mentioned. I cant even remember the last time I had water. it’s only been a few days, I think, but I dont even know now
I wish I had the sort of strength some people on here have, to not be so whiny and stupid. I’m so ashamed of myself right now
you seem like a genuine person and I really appreciate your comment. sorry this is so rambly but I cant focus very well at the moment
I’m trying so hard right now
it’s a valid strategy, keeping your hands busy. It’s a big struggle now, there’s no downplaying that, all there is is getting through it…. if you need to cry maybe muffle it in a pillow? IDK, I usually bury my face in my dog when I cry, something about hugging him makes it easier. He doesn’t even react. might as well be a stuffed dog, but he leans on me.
anyway, I wouldn’t worry about comparing yourself. While I’m familiar with the feeling, my understanding is that most humans aren’t. So they don’t have any amazing abilities, just a lack of scars. Which would be worse, to me. To be stupid and unfeeling, relatively….. I’d hate myself if I was that.
there’s a sort of mechanical trick to self care, it’s muscle memory after awhile. I’m not really doing any better, it’s just the last round through I taught my hands to do stuff without me paying attention, positive stuff like eating and drinking.
If you can find an escape, that’s probably best; a book, tv show, film, video game?
Yes, it’s not a long term solution, there’s no planning long term solutions in times like this. All there is is getting through, and reading through your response I can tell you get it. I’m just validating, reinforcing positive or neutral strategies. You’re in the thick of it, but as I said the upshot of being at your worst is knowing that thing will improve, even if only slightly.
I miss having a pet with me where I can do that with. I have a cat up at my mom’s, who’s really sweet and helps me feel better, but my grandparents here wont have any animals in the house. Ah, I have stuffed animals, even a stuffed dog like you mentioned before.
I’m probably going to just play on my switch until I get tired enough to sleep. After I’m doing drawing anyway. “drawing”
I’m having more and more of these moments and they get worse every time. it’s hard to want to hold on and continue