I need to stop being depressed and take ACTION to better my life. But atm, I am battling stupid shit like forcing myself to eat and pushing myself to go get food. Simple basic things like that are difficult. How can I push myself to start doing things to get myself out of this shithole country when I can barely get a grip on feeding myself??
I NEED to start doing stuff to fix my life. I NEED to quit being a bum and doing nothing. But I would have to be NOT depressed to start taking action. I am depressed bc I have lost hope in life. How do I get hope back? I don’t believe in “everything gets better” bc it hasn’t- and not for the lack of trying- at least in the past when I TRIED so damn hard and got NOWHERE, time and time again.
Now, I have no more energy, no will, no drive, no hope. Only running on the logical “goddamnit i have to do something otherwise my life will never get better” spiel. But I need the oomph, the push, the desire, the excitement, the want to PUSH forward. Otherwise, it’s just a snail going up 1″ just to fall down 0.8″ every day.
Life has lost all it’s zeal. I have lost hope. WHAT DO I DO? Can I ever get it back???
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Well, thing A; you at least superficially realize that the current inaction doesn’t fix things. While this isn’t a breakthrough, it is evidence that your motivation and drive aren’t totally crushed.
but I can’t buy into the “I’m depressed so no progress is possible” theme. It’s about finding stuff that works, and building on it. We’ll talk food, I have food issues so feel some affinity for it. What I figured out is that eating something is better than not. I then worked out what was low effort, things like bread and crackers. I was tricking myself into consuming calories, but that led to more energy, which led to things getting better.
Moving on, I realized cooked food was better nutritionally and taste wise. Cooking is still more energy intensive than I can manage every day. What I started doing was cooking large amounts of food and packaging up the leftovers… so I can eat something I cooked almost every day.
It’s taken me six months to get somewhat good at keeping the right dishes clean to keep up with it, but I’m eating better and more than I was.
The same is true of cleaning in my life. I can’t do as much as I used to, but if I’m strategic about what I do, it gets better. The trick I figured out regarding THAT is keeping a trashcan with room in it, and a seperate recycle bin inside.
In my struggle to keep clean, the amassing of trash is a big problem. In modern times, I can’t just throw out everything I generate in terms of trash. I have to recycle, or trash is going to back up. But having a purposeful recycle bin has been life changing. When I get cardboard and plastic containers broken down in the recycle bin. This lessens the bulk of my “trash pile” making it reasonable.
but that life hack I have to somewhat credit for reorganizing my office, and my living and dining areas are close to the point I wouldn’t feel shame having others see them….
progress, progress, often slow, but usually worth it.
that IS the problem. when you’re so super depressed, you DO lack the will to do ANYTHING. i mean, i can’t even force myself to go out and get food so i don’t starve. i don’t eat for days and i STILL don’t go out. THAT is how little drive i have. if i won’t even bother getting me food when i am physically hungry, there’s little chance of me getting ANYTHING done.
hey, i’ve been there with varying levels of depression. i get that low-level depression and mid-grade depression, things are tough to do but you PUSH yourself to do it. But when you get TOO far gone, like me atm, it’s impossible to push myself. i mean, it doesn’t get any more urgent than getting food so i don’t starve and die. and even then i don’t do it.
seriously, if i can’t even push myself to EAT, what hope do i have of getting ACTUAL shit done??
it’s a part of my own problem I don’t understand, my issues with food. On one level, yeah, often I’m not hungry, and so I have a lot about how to deal with THAT.
but I get the difference, a part of myself knows I have to eat and makes it happen somewhat regularly. I don’t know how I got that….. it’s been with me most of my life. Also, the people around me know about the blood sugar thing, they make sure I eat when I’m with them.
but it being beyond that, I’d seriously look at going to the hospital. Eating issues are more deadly than depression, and it is not a pleasant way to go. They can at least put you on fluids and nutrients while they try and figure out medications to get stuff working again.
fuck medications. that won’t do shit. i’m depressed about life and that’s why i won’t eat. also bc food is fucking $$$$ AF RN. If they gave me extra money for food, I’d eat. Until that happens, then no, eating isn’t fucking enjoyable.
Also, where I’m at rn, there’s only ONE fucking “standard” grocery store, and I hate that store. The nearby stores are bad too. So yeah, shopping for food isn’t fun. The food is expensive, the stores aren’t clean, the products aren’t good, it’s just all around bad. ALL the stores around here are like that. The whole city is filthy. Stores would get shut down if it was where I was 3 months ago. But here, every fucking store is like this. It’s fucking Gross.
i know you’re trying to be helpful, so this isn’t a rag on you. but medications don’t do shit. i know exactly what my issues in life are.
-i am poor, in need of more money. will a fucking pill give me more money? NO.
-i am depressed about my health, will a PSYCH med fix my health issues? NO.
-i am in a shitty room with shitty neighbors in a shitty dirty city. will a pill fix any of that? NO.
-i have no friends, no family, no SO, nobody to give af about me or help me in any way. life is so fucking hard on my own, being sick and disabled. will a pill make my life easier? make it easier for me to get around? make it easier for me to do laundry? make it easier for me to get food? make it easier for me to live life? will a pill drive me around to places i need to get to? NO.
i have real life problems. not something “wrong” with my brain that needs a pill to “fix”
i also have physical problems so on top of depression, i have thyroid issues, which compounds my fatigue. trust me, it’s not just an issue of telling myself “just do it”
i’m tired of being tired.
i mean yes, i KNOW i need to start getting shit done if i want to expat tf outta here, but at the same time, i have tried the past 9mo or so trying to research and all that stuff.
but the reality is twofold: the reason why i’m not doing anything is:
1- i am scared to go fly overseas and be in a foreign country on my own with NO help, NO friends, NOTHING. i can’t speak the language and it’s terrifying
2- i did try to research stuff online, but in terms of trying to organize everything in my head and figure out the BEST way of doing this this and that- is so muddy. my head isn’t clear and i can’t seem to figure out how to best do things
3- i have health issues so getting there is worrisome bc what if certain things get worse there bc i don’t have access to certain health items- and no- i can’t simply order online like i can in the US
4- the other health issues is fatigue
ok so there are way more reasons but i’m getting tired even from just typing this, and my brain isnt fucking working like it used to. i used to be so sharp. but my mind is like a puddle of dirty water now. it’s so hard to think. i can’t explain it. it’s WAY beyond brain fog.
anyhow, my angst IS in knowing that i MUST do something, else i stay in this shit life forever.
But I DO have real fucking problems with energy (thyroid issues), and that’s on top of depression.
All it boils down to is i know i should get shit done, but even when i DO want to and try, my brain isn’t functioning well enough to figure out how to best do this, this and that. and bc i can’t figure out how to do it properly so i don’t get fucking stranded or fucked in a foreign country with NO ONE to help me, it’s been keeping me here.
my brain functioning has declined. atrophied. i can’t explain it to you. it declined the past several years. i used to be so sharp, so able to think well. if i can’t think properly, i can’t just go to an unknown place without having everything figured out.
what i need is SOMEONE on the other side, in that foreign country, to help me. but i have no one. and that is stressful and scary. i have health issues so it’s not easy for me to just get on a plane and go.
hell, the flight is damn near going to kill me, just getting there. and that’s only step ONE.
I NEED HELP. it’s hard enough being sick and semi-disabled and getting stuff done HERE in the USA where i can speak and know the language. but over there it’s going to be so much harder. it’s already hard in a country where i can read and write in english and talk to people if i have questions or need help or too look up stuff.
it won’t be easy for a disabled sick person to go to a foreign country and not know a SINGLE person who can help me or know the language. THAT is what is keeping me stuck here. The fact that I might wind up in a worse situation if I am in a foreign country and can’t get help setting stuff up so i can live there.
PLUS, the ONE person i know there is an EVIL c u n t and she is going to bad mouth me and tell everyone bad shit about me, shit she’s going to make up bc that’s how she is. and the expat community isn’t that large there. she tells a dozen people about me and they each tell 1, and those each tell 1, and then it’s a bunch of ppl who will gossip about me bc that c u n t is EVIL.
anyhow, there’s SO many things i would have to deal with if i try to go there.
it’s silly to worry about ONE b.itch who’s going to destroy my reputation (she’s an idiot and that’s why we butt heads, but ofc she’s going to tell everyone that i’ve evil, blah blah) and then no one will want to talk to me or help me. IDK how small the expat community i, but she knows a handful of ppl, and all it takes is a handful of ppl telling another handful of ppl etc.
well, if you’re struggling to the level you say, it doesn’t sound like semi disabled, it sounds like disability. Disability comes in varying levels, but struggling to do basic stuff is a big part of it. It’s a definition I’m struggling with whether I’m going to accept it…. my case worker thinks I probably have a case.
and that’s the route I know to help. It started out with me getting therapy, but this non profit covers the whole scope of mental health issues…. and so they specialize in trying to get people on their feet again.
I do understand not being what you were. I’m not what I was, though less severe these days. I remember being on top. Some of it might be attainable again…..
The thing for me is realizing how people took advantage, how being as capable as I was also became a trap. I was so sweet and trusting, because I had to be to function on that level. and I despise that version of myself….. because I worked to get there, and it was a trap.
So if I knew what it looked like, being functional and also not a stooge for others…. I don’t know that. I know what it looks like to be somewhat functional and not a stooge, any more capable than that, my assumption is it requires alliances that are metaphysically and emotionally too expensive for me to pay for.
The highest functioning person I know spent more than a decade working for AT&T.. the worst company I have encountered and where I live that’s quite the achievement. So she fascinates me, she’s capable of a level of self delusion I never have been, and don’t want…. but that’s what function looks like to me. She just got hired by the state, which is a move up…. hired into the department I flamed out of….. so if she figures out how to make that work, if she cracks that code, that’ll be valuable data.
all that to say; I really wish I knew what to do for your situation, apart from active listening and telling my stories. I’m going to keep trying to figure it out, at least until you explicitly tell me to stop trying, which you are of course free to do.
all of us on here are in situations we’re trying to figure out a solution for
and I admire, as low as you are, how hard you try to fight it. Give yourself credit for that, please, because just reaching out is effort.
it isn’t enough, right? That’s my frustration too…. even when everything is done right, it often doesn’t count for anything. That’s the sisyphisian problem of still being alive, we keep pushing the damn rock to the top of the hill, only to have it roll back to the bottom of the hill.
No, I do need help from people. It helps to have someone listen, to care enough to help.
What I need is to get out of here and get to a cheaper country.
Anyhow, I need to get out of this situation. IDK if going to SA will help, but I wouldn’t know if I don’t try. But it’s going to be HARD AF to get there all on my own and try getting by all on my own there.
I USED to be so capable- this is not a me I know or like. Hell, I despise this me, the me that isn’t capable of shit. I can’t even feed myself regularly. WTF can’t do that?
If I rattled off what I had achieved and accomplished before I even turned 21, you’d be amazed what I had done. Which is why this is me falling so far down.
It’d be different if say, I was just a HS graduate and worked blue collar or low-end jobs. I’m not crapping on those people bc they work hard too. But I flew up to the sky, only to be burned and now I can barely crawl on the ground. It’s kinda like that.
It’s really frustrating bc my brain WANTS to accomplish things and DO something meaningful with my life. But my body/health/mental brokenness/lack of money/lack of help is making it impossible to do any of it.
It would be easier if I just said it’s ok to do nothing, to just chill all day every day, and be ok with doing nothing for the rest of my life and to just watch Netflix or play online games and that’s it. But NO. I can’t live with that. That is not me. I am restless. I want to fucking ACHIEVE SOMETHING. IDK what but SOMETHING.
I don’t want to be a fucking loser, doing nothing with my life.
Ok, so what I need from you is brainstorming what path I should take, what I should do. Which country I should expat to, how to get there, etc. I’m getting mired in all the little details (like even HOW to get there by plane and which airport or path to take).
At this point in my life, my decision making and judgement is so poor. I used to be so sharp, so clear minded, and everything was looked at like dr spock would look at things- with logic, no emotion, and no doubt.
In the past, I would just decide I wanted to do something, research and plan on how to get there, and then take all the necessary steps to get there, and whala! every single thing i set out was done. That was the old me. Nothing was a hard or a struggle like it is now. Fuck, just getting myself out to the store is hard. Like WTF is that shit? That is insane and yet that is my life rn.
I need a clear head- well idk if your head is clear with all those drugs lol- but i need a level-headed, sane, intelligent person to help me plan my path out of my current situation.
My brain is so fuzzy now, and I can’t make decisions like I used to. It was so easy before. Even if something was hard AF, I would be logical and be like “ok, i want to achieve this, so i need to do this, this and that…”
Now I get stuck on which airline to take, which airport to arrive, should I take a private van instead of switching airports (the flight isn’t direct and it’s a b.itch to arrive at the city, bc you have to transfer to a local flight and some ppl decide to take a van out of the first city to get to the 2nd city). Anyway, my brain is being stupid and I’m stuck on stupid details and shit like that. And I can’t decide which is better.
That’s just one example. But seriously, I can’t think logically and coldly like I used to. Everything was calculated perfectly. Now everything is wrought with “what if’s” and worries and emotions and I get stuck. And also I can’t seem to get back my logical best path approach anymore. Not since I developed emotions. I can’t think clearly now that I have fucking emotions. -_-
I have fear and doubt, which I did not have before. That is keeping me here, bc I don’t have faith in myself anymore.
I worry that I will fuck up or something will happen. I mean, it’s not easy to expat to another country on your own, let alone sick and disabled. That is why I am stuck here in a rut. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. Or be able to handle being all alone in a foreign country with no help and not being able to speak the language. If something happens, then what?
Also, if I leave here, I will be giving up my rent-free apt. It’s a shit studio but it’s free.
If things don’t work out there, then where will I go? I can’t come back to the US bc NOTHING in America is fucking affordable anymore.
anyway, if you’re read ALL that i wrote, i commend you. i know i write shit tons, and i’m pretty sure most ppl skip my posts and comments bc they’re long af. but i have SO much i need to get out. and i need someone to understand.
this is the worst shape i’ve been in my whole life. i’ve never been this mentally fucked up before. to go from so capable to whatever this shit is… -_-
hey, do you want to exchange emails? it would be easier, and there are some things i don’t want to write on here…