So it’s yet another day, and hunger pangs have come back (ate once yesterday and once the day before). But I still don’t want to get dressed, go out, go to a store and get food, come back and shower, and then eat.
I mean, shit, it’s not hard. I used to do that when I was 7. But somehow, doing something so basic as getting dressed, going out, getting food, then showering, is hard. Like WTF is that shit?
I don’t mind eating if there was food in my fridge so it’s not like I’m purposely trying to starve. But I do mind having to get dressed and then being all sweaty and having to shower. Even if I’m out just a few minutes, it’s so humid here, it’s gross. Like I don’t want to have to get dressed, then shower.
Is it normal or insane to NOT want to go out to get food bc I don’t want to shower yet again? I shower lots bc even inside, the AC sucks- so I wind up showering multiple times a day (also due to skin issues, I get itchy skin all day every day so I have to constantly shower).
Well it’s the having to shower but also getting dressed and having to go out. I guess anything that is “effort” stops me from doing it. When you’re depressed, you don’t want to do anything, whether it’s eating or going out to get food.
Anyhow, here I am, battling with trying to feed myself when I’m a grown adult and should obviously do the normal thing and JUST GO GET FOOD. But I can’t. WTF is wrong with me? I mean, I literally was able to do more when I was 7. I was so independent and did everything on my own and took care of myself since 7 (did not have parents that took care of me so I was essentially on my own).
I guess even without the showering, I’ve generally had trouble just getting dressed and going out to get food if I was super depressed. And super depressed is what I’ve been the last fucking year. It’s been a god awful year. With no end in sight. I do not have a good place to live, and lack the will and energy to GET OUT OF MY SITUATION.
I mean, being depressed means it guarantees you stay in your shit situation, if you do nothing. But when you’re depressed, you literally can’t do anything. At least my depression is like that. Not getting dressed, not going out, not showering, not having contact with humans. Not making calls, not doing errands or tasks I need to get done.
Fuck this depression. How can I live if my depression stops me from literally feeding myself???
I feel so stupid, so ridiculous. Like who can’t just fucking go out and get food?
Well also, everything is expensive af so I am not thrilled having to go out and spend money. Food just isn’t giving me any excitement/high like it used to. Also I don’t have a microwave or portable induction stove to heat or cook anything, so I can only get ready made food, or food that doesn’t require cooking or heating.
Like TF is wrong with me that I can’t/won’t do something so basic and simple as getting food? Then I beat myself up over it bc why can’t I do something so simple? I WANT to eat bc I’m hungry. So I should get out and get food. But depression is keeping me inside, useless. And that makes me even MORE depressed about what a shit and loser I am that I can’t even do THAT.
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This is one of those things normal people will never understand. Depression is literal paralysis. Even turning on the shower requires a long debate with yourself “Why the fuck bother” followed by psyching yourself up (some of us need drugs), just to turn on the goddam shower.
A while ago there was a movie called House of Sand & Fog (which I do NOT recommend because it’s depresing af) where the main character is so depressed she can’t open her mail, and as a result she misses a notice about her house tax and ends up being foreclosed and homeless. A lot of people think it’s unrealistic, but I say it’s one of the most realistic portrayals of depression. You can’t do the simplest tasks, and things snowball until you’re practically dead. This shit sucks dude.
ah, I think I watched that movie. At the time, I had always been depressed but even I was like “not opening the mail is stupid.” I guess I hadn’t slipped far enough into DEEP depression back then bc now I’m on that level of stupid/carelessness/not doing shitness mess like that lady.
lol having a long debate without ourselves to shower…been there, done that -_-
Therein lies my problem. I have a shit life, which fuels my depression. But bc of depression, it leads to inaction and paralysis of action leads to more shit life bc then I’m just stuck and not doing shit to get out of it. And then I feel like a stupid POS bc I’m doing nothing to help myself. Then my depression gets worse, and this rat cycle continues on viciously.
So I finally ate. The funny thing is, as hungry as I was, I didn’t enjoy eating (normally I love food, even when depressed that’s usually my only highlight). But I ate and didn’t enjoy it. Haven’t enjoyed food last few months.
Now my hunger pangs are gone, but goddamnit, it’s going to come back tomorrow and I’ll have to do this all over again.
Like what normal person feels eating is a chore? It’s insane but it’s what’s happening atm.
Like it’s a chore bc then I have to brush my teeth, wash my face, then poop, then shower bc Americans don’t have bidets and wiping isn’t clean enough in my book.
So eating leads to a long list of ‘chores,’ all of which would just be simpler if I just didn’t eat. And indeed it’s what I’ve been doing on and off the last few months. Oscillating between eating and not.
lol Eating is pretty damn gross when you put it that way. Gross, repetitive, pointless. Yeah the only value is if you enjoy it, so if that’s gone it’s just another dumb biological function that requires a ton of work.
Also food is a lot like drugs, you build up a ‘tolerance’ pretty fast. Chocolate may be delicious, but eat it every day and you’ll lose the taste for it. Salty stuff is the worst. I can see how people spiral into junk food addictions. I’ve had enough bouts with drug/alcohol addiction to know it’s the same effect. Eventually nothing works, but you still need it.
yup. i’ve never had a drug or alcohol addiction, but i’ve been self-medicating with food. the ONLY thing that brought me pleasure the last few years was food. and now that’s gone. so FML. -_-
noooo. sugary food is the worst, not the saltiest. i mean yes junk food is all bad junky food. but they’ve done studies showing that sugar does the SAME thing metabolically that alcohol does. EXACTLY the same metabolic process. wild, huh?
lol yes. tell me how many ppl view eating like a chore like i do >.< this is why the world does not understand me. i'm an outcast among outcasts.