I need to stop moping around, depressed, not doing anything. Hell, I need to stop wallowing on here too. But I’m a fucking mess. HOW do I get my mind together to get stuff done? It’s not just not having the will. It’s not having the mental clarity to figure out a solution and go do it.
Like HOW do I fix my fungus without having to take toxic drugs that may not even work?
HOW do I expat to cheaper 3rd world country when I know no one, can’t speak the language, have health issues, have very specific things I NEED to keep my fungus at bay (slacking off a few days makes it grow with a vengeance).
All I do is kill time. I don’t have the will or the mental clarity to do what I need to do. Hell, I can’t even figure out the best ways to do the stuff I need to do. My mind isn’t working well since I’ve had to move so many times and it making me sicker.
IDK how to explain it but I used to think so logically- like ok, I need to do this this and that. And I would do it. But now just figuring out what best to do is like climbing a mountain. IDKW my brain is swiss cheese now. It got really bad after I moved to X state, and now the past year my housing being in upheaval and having to move 4x and EACH place was bad (and current place bad) I CAN’T FUCKING THINK CLEARLY.
3 comments
I guess your locality is going to matter…. I used to think only big cities had apartments (because I spent most of my life living in the city) but then I found out that there are apartments in rural areas, and WTF? Like, apartments suck, no denying that, but the one upshot when I did have to do that was that I lived in the city… my kitchen sucked but I was walking distance to so much.
Transportation is where I’d start. If you’re in the city it’s as easy as getting a bus pass…. like that’s the big aid available where I am, bus passes… and drugs, but the drugs just make you more okay with riding the bus.
I guess make alliances with someone who has a car… or figure out lyft. God I’m old…. I remember taxis, and they were exlusively a thing rich people did.
A bicycle might work, depending on your fitness. Then again, that’s another thing to buy and keep up with, and you have to store it. When I lived in an apartment I had to keep mine inside because otherwise it would get stolen…. hell of a world we’ve got here.
but then I’d work on self care essentials; eating and sleeping. Walking or cycling would help with the sleep aspect. Eating? Rice is amazing, so is milk, cheese and really cheap bread. A lot of the time I’m low energy it’s that I’m not eating enough, so I eat something.
another city trick, again depends on locality; take one class at a community college, then you qualify for all the stuff they have to offer. I spent untold hours in the student union, playing games, watching TV…. just humaning around other humans who aren’t horribly unpleasant
libraries are F-ing magic too, usually have lots to do, some offer classes in stuff.
I’m not saying any of this all at once…. just find something that interests you…. though being interested IMO _IS_ the big trick…. just something….. drawing, knitting, reading, anything that keeps your hands busy is usually pretty good for your brain too
NO- I am specifically not settling down here bc I FUCKING HATE IT HERE. I am not buying shit for the apt- everything is expensive and I’m going to leave here. Living with my mom- even if it’s a “separate” studio- is a fucking nightmare. There is a shared door leading to the rest of the house. Dealing with mother is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
BUT- the problem is I have nowhere to go unless I go expat overseas- and that’s not easy to do when you’re sick, disabled, all alone, and in a foreign country with NO help and not being able to speak the local language. And no, it’s not like here where you can literally look up everything and order everything. Think 1990 pre internet- if you need anything, you have to walk to stores and check them out. This store doesn’t have what you need, you walk to another store. It’s not a problem when you can walk wherever and whenever. I can’t. SO I am fucking stuck here in a shitty place I don’t want to be, constantly fighting with mother and neighbors, lacking a restful place, always spending energy trying to deal with this leak or that leak or this fucking pink bacteria growing everywhere in the sink, toilet, shower, etc. And the constant fungus. And then there’s my general health to begin with.
I am getting sicker and sicker here, bc of shit neighbors disturbing me, bc I have NOTHING set up in the apt bc I hate it here and it’s fruitless to spend all that energy to set it up, to constant fight with mother bc she’s fucking insane and then blames ME and then tells everyone what a shitty person I am and how I’m going senile bc I can’t remember things, when it is HER that either can’t remember she moved/touched my shit or does know she did but denying it.
The busses here are expensive. Yes, it’s 50% off if I have a disability pass, but I can’t get a disability pass unless I make an appt with a dr and get the dr to fill out the form. Then I have to get photos and this and that, send in all the documentation, and wait however many weeks to get that pass. I have NO energy to go do this. In my old state, you just filled out a form, and that was it. no dr to fill shit out, no need to attach a fucking passport-like photo, with specific dimensions. It’s just too much effort for someone who’s disabled and suffers from fatigue.
So bc I don’t get the pass, I don’t take the bus. And if I don’t take the bus, everything is too far to get to, and thus I cannot get stuff I need to set up the apt- no not even like furniture- just like cleaning products and toiletries and stuff that you need for every day living. And no, not everything can be ordered online. And yes a lot of things come damaged, broken or leaking if you order it online.
No, I can’t ride a bike. My disability makes it dangerous for me to hop on a bike, and even if I get one, WHERE do I put it? And no, it’s not like my previous state where you get a lock and lock it on a bike thing. That shit does NOT exist here. So once I get to my destination, WHAT do I do with my bike? Can’t bring it IN to the store. Can’t leave it alone.
Just every little detail to live here is FUCKING HARD.
And it’s also HARD AF to leave here and expat somewhere where I don’t know anyone or how to get around. I won’t know where I can get anything- it’s a place where you just walk store to store (or drive or taxi) to get what you need. Which requires walking/energy/health to do. There is no online ordering and delivery there, so I am hesitating on going. But I can’t stay here.
You see the catch 22 situation I am in?