When the only person who ever understood you is dead by suicide

I keep having these moments of “I can’t wait to tell A about this” or “Only A would know how this feels” but then I suddenly get shaken back to reality: I remember that A fucking killed herself. What does that say about me, that the only person who felt the way I do about life chose to end it? It’s like seeing 2 of the same person but one lives and the other dies. Who do you suppose got the raw end of this deal