After another day wasted trying to remind myself of the reasons I shouldn’t kill myself, I’m back at the same old place. All that I can do now is try to focus on ameliorating the circumstances that lead me to feel that my life is unbearable. And I honestly still have no idea how to effectively do that.
The longing I feel for connection and acceptance doesn’t seem fixable. I can’t be real, with anyone, because the truth about me is repulsive. So if I involve myself with anyone I’m effectively tricking them into liking me, pretending to be someone I’m not. So I inevitably feel isolated and insanely lonely, whether I’m around people or alone. I’m a bad actor, constantly fearful that someone will see through the disguise.
The craving/obsession/frenzy/evil that burns in me doesn’t seem likely to disappear anytime soon. Sometimes it’s stronger, other times weaker, but it’s always there, at the back of my mind. When I’m trying to resist it it produces extreme frustration. When I’m not, and part of me is given over to it, I’m left with fear, horror, self-hatred and self-disgust.
The physical pain and discomfort I live in should in theory be treatable. But I don’t have the hope or the energy to look for solutions anymore. It’s like the older you get, the more things go wrong and break down, until eventually you just accept that you’ll always be in some kind of pain. I have to work, & I don’t know how to work without aggravating my back pain. I’ve tried so many different positions, postures, exercises – nothing seems to make a difference. My stomach problems can definitely be made worse by stress and diet, but they’re never entirely absent – there’s this constant low-level nausea.
It all makes it hard to sleep, without pills (which leave me feeling exhausted the next day.)
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“All that I can do now is try to focus on ameliorating the circumstances that lead me to feel that my life is unbearable”
This, so much this.
*shrug* my solution is dissassociating or meditating, depending on how one wants to frame it. Point being, now it’s reflex, I get close to feeling as awful as I used to…… and suddenly I disengage with reality entirely. Heck, I’m doing it now…… I’m not convinced it’s “healthy”….. but people who figure out which things are “healthy” are inherently priviledged….. which is a rant on political corruption and class I don’t feel angry enough to get into.
Meditating/mindfulness can be somewhat helpful, though I’ve never been good at it. I’ve been telling myself to get back into it, but since my back pain got worse, I’ve been avoiding it. Anything that involves being present in my body and acknowledging how uncomfortable I feel most of the time seems unpleasant.
Disassociation seems like kind of the opposite. I’m not sure if that’s something I do, or know how to do, and I don’t really understand how you could do it while being conscious of it. I do feel pretty distanced from reality a lot of the time after I’ve taken sleeping pills the night before, but generally I still have to force myself to function and engage, which in many ways is a worse feeling. But I suppose that is something I do late at night (which is generally when I feel the worse) in order to temporarily disconnect from my mind/feelings/perception of reality.
“The longing I feel for connection and acceptance doesn’t seem fixable. I can’t be real, with anyone”
This part really gets me. Assuming there’s 0 chance of meeting someone who will understand or even tolerate the real you, logically there’s only 1 solution (not incl suicide), and that is to somehow get used to being alone. Not in a bitter way but to really positive way where you wouldn’t want anyone else in your life even if they waltzed in your door with a birthday cake. Have you thought about reaching that point?
I know it’s possible. There are tons of people who are happily alone. And I figure if we can somehow get to that state of mind, it would be one huge thorn out of our side. I guess in practical terms it would be the same as adapting to a handicap. Most people who lose their sight eventually figure ways around it, maybe even get to the point where they don’t miss it. The human mind is surprisingly adaptive sometimes.
i used to be perfectly A-OK with being alone, didn’t feel lonely. but back then i was able to fend for myself and didn’t need or want anyone else. i wasn’t chronically ill or injured.
how do i get back there? is there NO way if I am now sick? bc that’s a HUGE problem- of feeling lonely now and of “needing” someone
i want to go back to the independent i don’t need anyone attitude i had before. i never felt lonely even when i was alone. i was fine with being by myself.
goddamn, i miss the old me.
@thebends – Sounds kind of inhuman. There are people who seem content as complete hermits, though they are few and far between. I think some just lack the dispositional need for social connection. For others, they fill the void with ideas – like God.
I never used to feel my loneliness so intensely, because I assumed it was just a temporary state, which I would at some point transcend. The recognition that there was no way out of it made what was once a fortress seem like a cage.
I think it’s less like losing a sense and more like being in prison. If you lose a sense you may find it harder to pursue what’s meaningful to you, but you still have the freedom to do so. If you’re in prison, you feel the same needs, but have no ability to pursue them.
It may be possible to transcend the need for human connection. But I think that’s some next-level enlightenment shit, that you could waste your whole life on. Unfortunately, most of us are just needy apes.
“Unfortunately, most of us are just needy apes.”
That’s sadly the case. In my earlier years, I didn’t mind being alone. I was self-sufficient and capable. And yes, if you view it as temporary like I did as well, it’s fine, but when you realize it’s permanent…well…sucks to be us…
True. Hugs.