I feel like a misfit among misfits. There isn’t any “group” I belong to.
Even among depression groups (not here, on other sites), everyone is always “look on the bright side,” “you just need to think positive and life will magically get better!” blah blah. Depression is a HUGE umbrella. Many different kinds of people are afflicted with depression, and in varying degrees. Some are a little depressed, or situationally depressed (ie school, girl issues, etc), but then there’s others like me who are suicidal and hopeless about life.
This site certainly helps from time to time as some of us know what real depression and suicidal thoughts are like. But, as another poster has mentioned, it helps to be more SPECIFIC and join those groups.
But I don’t self-harm (at least not directly, as in cutting). My self-harm is mostly due to lack of action, and not doing stuff I *should* do.
I don’t eat sometimes due to depression, but I’m not anorexic. I do not fit in with anorexics or bulemics. I’ve gone IRL to some of those meetings and holy cow, some of these girls just want attention.
I’m a tomboy so I don’t connect with the typical female. I don’t talk about boys, hair, makeup, shoes, duvet covers, shade gardens, and whatever the fuck most women talk about. I don’t want kids, in fact, I fucking HATE them bc they’re annoying AF. So I don’t connect with most people.
I’ve become an old, cranky, cantankerous senior citizen, without being that old. I’m just middle age but I FEEL old af. Life has battered me and I feel old and tired.
I’m nihilistic. I’ve joined nihilism groups but they mostly post memes. I suppose I should find better nihilism groups but eh, it takes effort.
I have childhood trauma, well adult trauma too, SA. I have health issues. Joined a bunch of those groups too. But like, idk, they’re not very helpful. I’ve been on and off various groups and none have really helped me. I haven’t met anyone, online or off, that’s “just like me.” I mean I guess I’ll never will, but it’s so hard to find ppl who “get me.”
Even if I find someone with health problems, they will still view depression as “oh it’s your mindset” crap. Or if I find depressed people, they don’t understand chronic illness (i get that healthy ppl just won’t understand, so i don’t fault those that generally TRY to understand or empathise) but often ppl who don’t understand don’t have compassion.
There’s a few people on here I do reply to, who seem to share similar sentiments on some things. But I don’t feel like I “belong” anywhere, you know? I don’t connect with many people, and most people don’t connect with me.
Where do I find ppl who “get” me? That’s the real crux of the problem.
I feel like that’s many people’s problems here, is finding people not necessarily just like us, but who “get” us. Who understand us and share similar thoughts and views about things.
In my whole life, there’s been very few ppl who “get” me. If people don’t “get” you, you don’t form that connection with someone. And life without meaningful connections is pointless.
9 comments
I hear ya. There are infinite ways of being fucked and only 1 way to be normal. So the further we go down our path of being fucked, the fewer people there are like us.
What I do is find a group of people (online only, its hopeless irl) that I share 1 quality with, and I limit conversations to that 1 quality. If you find enough groups you can alllmost feel like ppl understand you… even tho they only understand 1 side of you.
For example here on SP is where I only talk about depressing shit (yay lucky you guys). But then I might hop over to a movie forum and talk about comedies or whatever. Then I might jump to a band’s fansite and talk about concerts, etc.
It’s still pretty lonelysince there’s no 1 group where I fit in completely, but it’s better than staring at the ceiling :/
right, i’ve done that in the past, where i’ve sectioned myself into “pieces,” talk to one slice here, one slice there, etc. it didn’t really help. i mean i was in a better frame of mind back then- when i was being more active and tried doing things (IRL), going to events, talking to many “slices” of ppl, but only talking that ONE slice to each of them.
it killed time, it passed time. at times (talking about anime or movies or whatever hobby) it was ok and even “interesting” at times, but in the end, all it does is kill time. like what’s the end result? so you went to watch an anime or movie and discuss it. it’s “fun” for one night and then…?
everything feels rather pointless now. at this point, i don’t even get out and talk to humans anymore. hell, i’m too depressed to even go get FOOD so i don’t starve. and many nights i wind up doing just that- don’t even have energy to go feed myself. how fucked up is that???
so right now, i dont even feel like it’s worth it to do what i did before, or join online groups, talking about only ONE thing. it all feels fruitless in the end. it’s not like i made any actual friends. sure, i had some convos with ppl and we were “friends” but we weren’t REAL friends, ukwim?
part of the reason why i don’t do shit, and thus wallow in my depression, is bc everything does seem so fucking pointless.
The pointless clause gets us every time. Maybe that’s what defines depressed people: they have a heightened awareness of how pointless everything is.
But yeah the slice strategy is the best we can get in terms of “friends”. It’s definitely a way to pass the time, but it can serve a practical use too.. like if your mind is in a destructive spiral and you just need someone, anyone to break you out of it. That’s when a pointless chat about anime or some dumb movie can redirect your brain long enough to get out of the spiral.
I’ve also gotten into the pathetic habit of watching vloggers on youtube. Doesn’t matter what, travel, fitness, mental health, as long as they seem honest & real (there are a few out there). That’s another one of those temporary ‘belonging’ feelings you can get when it feels like someone is talking to you in a way you understand. Pretty sad but, again, it can prevent your mind from going to worse places….
that’s the thing- i feel like it’s too late. my mind is already on worse things. i just don’t feel like stupid banter anymore.
it’s one thing if chatting leads to real friendship, but that’s rare and unlikely to happen. (my definition of friendship, not just meaningless banter or hanging out between 2 ppl).
bc meaningless chatter won’t lead to real friendship or anything fruitful, i just don’t do it.
you’re right that it’s at least something, to keep our minds occupied and off the deep end. but what if we’re already at the deep end?
i mean, ok, i guess i won’t mind talking about stuff that is actually helpful. i suppose i could try to talk to some ppl about expat’ing to the country i want to go to, tho even that desire isn’t very strong anymore. it’s more like i KNOW i can’t stay here bc it’s shit here vs i WANT to move there.
idk. maybe at this point i’ve almost given up. when your tank is empty, you have to make sure you get off on the right exit, otherwise you’ll just deplete your resources even more. well, there’s only droplets left…
Work is my distraction from my own head, or when I’m off, anime, games, etc. All I can do is distract myself, because if I start to think about certain things or just stay in my own head, that’s when it gets bad.
I’ve found I’ve been keeping people at a distance, because I’m sure if people knew me like some fam or friends, they’d want nothing to do with me anyway…
In fairness, very few people will ever understand you on a deep level, and you’d need to put trust in them and vice versa, which is more difficult for suicidal and messed up in the head individuals.
yes, i USED to have work as a distract. if i could go back in time, i wouldn’t have stupidly quit my job and be manipulated by one of my coworkers to do so. ever since i no longer had a job- and finding one when you don’t is a bit.ch- life has been significantly harder.
well what’s done is done. not having a job lead me to move to [x] place, and while there, i was run over with a car, fucking up my body and health. and it’s been a downward decline since.
i can’t get a job so there’s the purposelessness. i have health issues with NO friends, NO help. so yeah, all i can think about is how shit my life is.
it’s one thing if i had SOMETHING- a good job, a good bf/so, a good family, a large guaranteed sum of money coming in so i don’t have to worry about money anymore- but no. my life is so stressful bc i have NOTHING.
my health has been declining the past 15 years. and with it my mental condition. obviously my financial condition.
anyway, here i am. i feel like i fell too far down the well to just pick myself back up or distract myself with movies or anime or such.
i need someone to throw me a rope and help pull me up.
at this point in my life, i’m a hermit. i only come out for food- and barely at that. i don’t talk to people. humans disgust me. after all the shitty things shitty humans have done to me, i hate humans.
yes, i know there are “good” people out there, but how many of them are good compared to bad? actually, ppl who are apathetic are labelled as “good” by most Americans. I don’t call someone “good” just bc they’re not bad. that’s why there’s so few “good” people out there. the genuinely good. not just someone who’s “not bad.”
My therapist really understands my pain. Outside of her I have two friends who love me dearly. And I them.
One is the daughter of two horrible narcissists as it seems to us. She had childhood trauma from them and adult trauma from the monster who is her ex. Ditto for me.
The other is a woman who was the daughter of two alcoholics. We know we share a similar pain.
you’re lucky you have 1- a therapist that actually understands you and 2- 2 close friends.
i wish i had that. i don’t need tons of superficial friends- 2-5 good, close friends who understand me is all i want.
a therapist who actually can help would be great too. have yet to find one like that. -_-