bait and switch

I don’t know why I keep thinking I’m going to get a better outcome, especially out of people who lie to me. We’re barrelling down the last few days before classes, and I STILL don’t have funding. They’re more than happy for me to take out a $25,000 loan……. I can’t afford it. That’s a HUGE bet on a job market that has done nothing other than kick the living daylights out of me every time I’ve tried it. All in, I’d double my total debt load, and I can’t.

and people keep acting like it was me that went to THEM with some great dream of grad school.  I assure you dear reader, it was quite the opposite. I was told that this program had funding, and getting into the program meant getting funded. I just wanted something interesting to do, and this fit the bill.

me and my metaphors. Everyone is acting as if I was coming into the sandwhich shop so hungry I’d eat any sandwhich put in front of me, ahahaha, but no, I was walking down the street, wondering if I would ever be hungry again, and they offered me a discounted sandwhich. IMMEDIATELY, I said “how much”? “we’ll work that out later” they replied….. “you’d better I said”, then they pushed a stack of forms about what kind of sandwhich I was getting, all the while assuring me it is truly a beautiful and satisfying sandwhich.

Now we get closer, the thing is rotten, moldy cheese, stale bread and bologna…. and it costs more than any sandwhich I’ve ever heard of…… yet I’m distraught…. because I wanted the illusion of the delicious affordable sandwhich to be true….. and it wasn’t.

I’m so sick of this, trying my hardest, just to be spit in the face…. and this is despite my suspicion for the last nine months that this is how it would end……. I guess the sadness is that this is the most I could imagine for my life? Of course it isn’t…… even this meager thing I doubted would ever come to something, and I was right, in the worst possible way.

Part 2: one attempt at a time

I’ve been learning a lesson as of late, regarding how I play games, and I think there might be applicability in my approach to real world challenges as well. A few weeks ago I went back and deleted all my saved games in most of my favorite games. Why? Because I found myself unable to reenter the game, to try again from multiple points. Maybe once I had that cognitive ability, but not now.

This was validated when after several weeks of pushing, I managed to finish off one of the games I’ve had for years. Before I’d get frustrated and want to move on. The early parts of the game appeared more fun….. but I wanted to see that game end. I wanted to finish, and that required me to focus tightly.

This is the thing coming up, as I review my failure with grad school. I’m single track now….. grad school has been my project for the last 10 months… and really for no good reasons at all. It was something that made others feel like I was trying to progress…. and that was enough for awhile. But now, I realize I feel robbed of my time and effort, because it was such a waste of time….. and that’s my whole thing, everything I’m so angry at in my life, it was that it took me away from potentially productive work….

So I meet with my case worker on Monday, and I’m going to talk to her about it. Either I keep pushing on disability, or on turning my health around. I need to step away from the lie that I can effectively do them both at the same time.

I think I can still achieve a fair bit…. but it will require giving up the appearance of frantic effort and instead replacing it with focused work. If I’m frustrated, step away, but not starting a new project because my current one makes me feel empty inside.