I had a good friend, and you can maybe guess by the way I referred to him in past tense that he’s dead but I’ll get to that in a minute.

We were both in the same line of work and we each admired the fuck out of each other. He was better by far, but I’m a batshit perfectionist so that makes up for my deficiencies and we were both equals in that sense. The big difference is that he loved life and it showed in everything he did whereas all my life I’ve battled with nonstop compulsions to jump out a fucking window. So you can guess how that impacted my ability to focus and succeed. For the same reason he was way more outgoing and driven, and if I didn’t admire him so much I’d be jealous as fuck but I was real happy to see his career take off. I used him as my motivation to keep going so that one day we’d both meet at the top of the mountain so to speak.

He died a while ago. Early april, I can’t remember what year, recent, but all my years bleed together so I just remember April. He died in the most fucked up way too. An accident, which he survived and was on the road to recovering from, but the hospital fucked up and he just died somehow. Only the doctors will ever know and I seriously doubt they’ll tell.

The point of this post is, as if any of you need to be told, the universe is such a fucking joke. Two guys with parallel lives, one loves life, is productive, he even just had a baby son, dude was a force of nature destined for great things. On the other half of the coin was me, equally proficient but suicidal as hell, depressed, couldn’t keep a job because I kept flipping my shit and  moving to new cities to run away, run away from all associations, even my good friend though I always thought we’d meet up after I pulled my shit together. GUESS WHO GETS KILLED. And guess who has to live on & on & on & on.