The feeling always lingers in the back of my mind… I cant remember a time where it’s been gone completely, even for just a moment. A dark and cold feeling. It’s hard to talk about because I’m not good at explaining it, and I dont want to bother anybody… but I cant just… let it sit, I guess, for very long. Fear, pain, a sort of bitterness, a horrible burdensome feeling. I have fantasies that killing myself will actually help the world somehow. Like a brutal sort of death I put myself through. I think about that pretty often actually. A sort of sacrifice I guess. But I’m too much a coward for it. For now. But I’m tired of living. Everything around me just confirms the fact that theres no point in this life anymore. It’s all going to shit anyway. My brains going to shit. I dont want to bother living anymore. This is the selfish reasoning talking. I’m tired of being in pain and being left to rot by myself, I’m tired of never ever getting it right. I’m so tired of this poor excuse of a world, all the self centered assholes who are speed running our demise. Hurting other people without a care in the world. Fucking up the planet. Entitled pieces of shit. Haha I guess I’m one to talk? At least I’m not intentionally malicious, and dont act like I’m owed anything. I feel like a less shitty world shouldnt be so much to ask. I feel like whatever I say doesnt matter anyway because it’s not like I can make a lot of difference, so it seems. I fantasise about being sick and near death almost all the time. I imagine how everyone reacts. I pretend I’m being held and taken care of, them trying to nurse me back to health. Its idiotic. Its pathetic. Its selfish. But I think of it often. Its oddly comforting. The pretend people in my head telling me I’m not so horrible. Until I’m suddenly very aware how fake it all is, and I spiral all over again. Kinda like now. I’m just sad. Really sad. All alone.
Literally all I want is to cry my eyes out right now but no tears come. They never do until it happens all at once. I’ll just curl up in a ball try to put myself to sleep I guess.