I am tired of suffering. I just wish I knew how my life would turn out- I need a crystal ball to see into the future. I want to see if I should just kill myself now and be done with it, or struggle some more and maaaaybe life would be better/worth it at some point.
It seems rather pointless and a waste of time and effort if we try, and life still doesn’t improve. Then we might as well end our suffering now.
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It’s a lot of pressure, for it to be better enough to be worth it. I know that pain free or at least pain minimal is possible for most people. It can realistically get that better.
I thought I had more on this. I think about people trapped in prison quite a bit, because of the paralels to living with chronic illness, not being able to get away from it. Some people are miserable, and understandably. What impresses me are the people who make it work, who find a way to if not be happy then to be okay. That’s what I aspire to, to be okay.
i’m not sure that’s a good parallel bc prison is something you go to when you do something wrong/heinous. ppl with chronic illness haven’t done anything and yet we’re punished. and i would argue having a chronic illness is worse than prison, bc every second of every day you’re sick. when you literally feel too sick or too fatigued to even walk, or shower, or do any of the normal daily tasks.
i was healthy in the past, and no matter what horrible shit got thrown my way (and i had a lot of shit happen to me), i always shrug it off and got back up, bc when you’re healthy, you can. if you’re sick, you aren’t able to.
there are ppl who go to prison, come out, and some even start a new happy life. well they have to be given a chance to get a job and make a legal crime free living. but some do. and why? bc when you’re healthy you CAN turn your life around. when you’re sick, you’re doomed.
and it pisses me off MORE bc had i had the help early on, i wouldn’t be this sick now.
also, being in a tiny shit apt with shit neighbors is fucking stressful as hell. it makes me angry all day every day. it’s fucking ridiculous. i can’t get a single moment of peace.
asshole turns up the bass so it disturbs me ALL day every day, and he does this on purpose, knowing it makes me sick.
sorry if my reply is a bit biting- asshole just jacked up his shit so i’m so on edge and it’s disturbing af. GRRR.
you’ve got a more optimistic view of prison than I do, in terms of who goes in, and who gets out. First, extreme poverty and prison are of similar poor quality. Some actually prefer prison because they get fed and don’t have to fight for a place to sleep. The amount of mentally ill people that end up in prison for no other reason is huge.
The same goes for growing up in a rough neighborhood. I used to work those neighborhoods, and the school to prison pipeline is alive and well. Poor neighborhoods where families are only barely surviving, kids don’t get the care they need, and the chances of them finding a mentor or teacher who cares and wants to make a difference are slim. I don’t think they have much choice about going to prison…. it’s that or substance abuse, and even substance abuse often leads to prison.
I get it, life sure looked better when I was younger. but the walls are collapsing between upper middle class, middle middle class and lower middle class. We’re all not rich, it’s just working class. So if you can’t work, like us….. we’re only catching on to what’s been happening to people with less education for years.
so, the hope I hold onto, is that once they realize the deck is stacked against them, and most often they realize they still want to do the best they can, some of them carve out quite a life.
the thing also is, most of the middle class is waking up to that those class divides are quite slim, often whether you own a nice car, or a slightly nicer car. The UAW is striking against all big 3 automakers, the actors guild and writers guild are both on strike, and UPS workers threatened to strike and got a better contract. I really feel like more now than any time in my life Americans are realizing that the poor are not the enemy, the enemy are those who don’t have to work and somehow get more welfare than anyone else ever can.
and maybe it won’t amount to anything. Maybe things will stay as bad as they are now. The thing is, I think that’s liveable. Not fair, not equitable, and certainly not merit based, but the sooner you rip off that bandaid the better.
sure, SOME ppl are waking up, but not enough, still swathes of ppl think their enemy is the poor person- and even the “awake” ones, aren’t doing shit. our strikes are few and in between, and nowhere as effective as the strikers in other countries (ie Yellow Vests in France).
anyhow, a small pittance of strikes aren’t enough to change the system. the system is as corrupt as ever. and i’m not young and not patient to wait 20-30 years for ACTUAL change. if it even occurs in 30 years.
i’m just so tired of it all. if even healthy able bodied ppl can’t make it, how can i when i am shackled by ill health? how can *I* get the fuck out from under?