It’s overwhelming… too many thoughts. Future, past, failure, her silence, this deep loneliness… it’s becoming too much.
I want to make that decision right now.
I could use something here, in this place.
I could make it all go away for good… and that’s all I want…
I want to make my stupid selfish self go away…. my rot that does nothing good for the world… I’m too loud and obnoxious anyway… and just an idiot… I’m consumed with worthlessness.
Too much, it’s all too much… in any case, I know I can be easily replaced for a better individual… I’m not needed. It makes me laugh, sometimes, when she and other people used to say that I was… but theres always others, better ones, I… I can acknowledge that. At least I can say I tried. At least I can say I never intentionally tried to hurt anyone. Or fail them. I’m just a little weed that ends up suffocating everything around it. Little weed has to go…
Ah… it’s right there, I could try it… make the little weed go, make it all go away for good…
Why am I so scared yet so willing? Why am I bothering with any of this, this post, just everything, when I could end it all right now if I really wanted to. I DO want to. Am I a coward? Dont I deserve this? This creation I’ve made for myself? My parents were right, I’m lazy and selfish… make things more difficult for everybody… implied a lot more stuff too…
I want to do it so bad. It’s like an itch. All I’d have to do is get up… I cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop thinking of everything else.
I should say this… in case, one day, or tonight, before I forget, that I appreciate the people who commented and made me feel heard. It means a lot. I dont feel like I deserve it.
I feel like I am paying for my existence. I don’t want it anymore..