I can’t keep doing this. The thoughts repeat over and over and over again and they’re so loud I can’t take it anymore, I feel like it’s all pressing against my skull and I’m going to explode. I can’t. Literally can’t. I really just don’t want to, I have nothing to continue for. All I am is a fuck up anyway. I failed everyone and I’m worthless. The problem is me, all of its my fault. I’m a selfish no good piece of shit who deserves to rot and is a pile of rot. I genuinely would like to die so much, and yet I’m terrified. I’m pathetic. I wish we were still talking, partner and I. I miss her so fucking much I want to die. I can’t not think of her every minute of the day. In my little world in my head she’s always there. I don’t know what I did. Please, what did I do?? Please, please god just talk to me again… I can’t do it anymore. I feel constantly on edge. Constantly aggravated and on the verge of snapping to a point of no return. I want out I want out I want out I just want her to say something, anything. Everyone leaves. I fade into the abyss and out of everyone’s lives. It’s fine, it’s fine, I never deserved it anyway. How do I make the thoughts stop? Truly, is there any real way? Even a decrease in thoughts. Everything is way too loud, everything feels strange and uncomfortable on/in my skin. I’ve been feeling like this on and off all day. Started thinking about her too much. I wonder if she thinks of me. I wonder if anyone in this world thinks of me when I’m not in their vision. Why should they. Why should I. It’s my fault, I ruined everything. Confessing how I felt in the worst way possible, back then wanting to end it all, freaking everybody the fuck out. My mom’s depressed because of me. I’m a fucking failure. Maybe that’s why she stopped talking. I don’t know. I don’t know. Why was I so stupid, why am I still so stupid? How could anyone ever love me again? “How can I be angry when it’s all my fault” ^ exactly. How can I be upset when they leave or they don’t listen or they realize I’m just a loser who’s not worth the time when it’s true and it’s all my fault to begin with? How can I prove I love them all if I’m not willing to die for them? For my blood to seep into the soil and do something good for the world for once. It never fucking stops racing. Just to slow down for a moment, god please. Why do I never shut up. Why am I like this. What is wrong with me. I am very flawed. At least I know that. Knowing does nothing. I’m like a form of curse in this existence, both to others and to myself. I feel like I’m losing my mind, genuinely. I’m not fully sure what I’m going to do. I feel like it’s not in my control. I feel so disconnected from this world and from myself and then suddenly I realize I’m real again and I lose my mind. I feel sick. I’m stuck in the dark and isolation. I’m too scared to be around people, it kills me that I can’t be hugged or cuddled or even a pat on the shoulder. I’m so so sick of this. I hate myself and this body I’m stuck in. I nauseate myself. I wonder what she may have seen in me before she disappeared. For the second time now. I hate admitting it because I don’t want to hurt her in anyway but it really really does hurt when she did/does this I feel like she hates me and I don’t know what I did wrong and I love her so much it aches and I miss her just as much. We’re supposed to be able to see each other again. That’s why I held on all these worthless painful years, to see her once I moved up here…. yet nothing. Maybe I’m just stupid to think anyone, her most of all, could ever love something like me. Something so bland, something so not worth ones time. I use her voice in my head to tell myself to take care of myself or to coax myself into sleep when I’m terrified of all the noises because otherwise I won’t do any of it maybe I’m just pathetic and crazy. I feel like I could ramble on and on. Maybe I should just delete this account. I feel like an absolute idiot. I need this to stop. I need to stop myself. I don’t know how to make it go away so I just ramble here. On and on. I should be dead. I’m an embarrassment to society. I’m an embarrassment to my family. I can’t look at anyone in the eye. I never meant to hurt anybody. I’m just hurting so much and I’m always so fucking stupid. I feel like I’m a curse and I’m also living in a curse. I don’t want to live anymore. Let the earth consume me. Let me rot. All I ever was and all I ever will be and all I am is a clump of rotted weeds.
8 comments
Sometimes I’ve been stuck in a loop of obsessively thinking about something…usually anxiety related, if I was going through something difficult in my life.
It might help to talk to friends/family IRL that you trust about this issue. Try to get your mind off it by watching tv or movies.
Sleep is essential as well. I find if I don’t sleep properly, I can sometimes get some crazy thoughts/ideas that don’t go away easily. But a good night’s sleep fixes it.
Breaking up your routine, going to the gym could help to diminish these feelings/ideas also.
It might not be an instant cure, sometimes you have to keep doing it until the obsessive thinking goes away on it’s own.
Don’t delete your account…I think it’s probably good to share your ideas with others…may be a form of therapy. It certainly has helped me when I was going through some terrible times.
Thanks to the kindness of some people here who replied to my posts at the time.
I can’t even remember the last time I’ve really slept well, and I’ve started taking a sleep pill for it. Idk, when I can’t sleep I just can’t, but I’m sure it’s fucking me in some way or another.
I don’t… think I can talk to anyone about all of it. I can bring up parts of it, but I always have to be careful of the wording, and I can’t let myself get in a rant or I’ll spill it all. And it’d make people look bad, partner included, since they just don’t know because I haven’t told anyone. As for the things I think I’m the cause of or helped cause… it stops me from confessing, believing that I should talk to anyone about it.
I have thought of going to the gym, not necessarily for my health but for different reasons. I may try but I can’t transport myself anywhere right now. I guess I could find small things or exercise in the meantime, god only knows I need it.
I guess this place is a form of therapy for me, as I can’t/don’t share anything anywhere else. Anonymity is lovely for me as I can let more spill without getting into problems… yet again. Idk, sometimes just rereading my posts and such make me cringe and it all just looks stupid.
Sorry for the longish reply, but I thank you for your kindness as well. I guess part of that is what draws me into a place like this.
Do you have any good movie/show recommendations?
Sorry to hear, but if you can find time to sleep definitely do it, it does wonders for me…both mentally and physically. I feel happier, healthier and stronger after a good night’s rest and my mind is sharper too.
I tried sleeping pills but they make you feel drowsy all day, I switched to cutting the pill taking a tiny dose, it worked then I quit once I was normal again since it can be addictive.
You have a good point maybe it’s better not to tell family/freinds….perhaps see a therapist, it’s usually not expensive, about $300 for 10 sessions…but tbh they’re in their own world, still when I had some therapy it helped to get feedback from a professional.
Gym is great or you can maybe take another hobby, either sports or chess or something else to get your mind off the same issues.
Ya I feel the same about mine when I post, I usually don’t leave them up for long and regret posting…but I don’t have issues with other people’s posts (in general).
You’re welcome, glad I could help…no worries if you’ve ever seen my posts they tend to be long (though it’s not my intention).
Good shows/movies, all depends on your taste. I’m mostly into sci-fi, action, crime/heist and some war movies, sometimes comedy.
Recently I’ve been watching the Ark, in the past it was the Expanse, The 100, Stargate Atlantis, SG1, Star Trek, Star Wars, Alien/Aliens the series, Game of Thrones etc.
There’s tons of entertaining stuff if you have the time for it. You can also check reviews on google.
Yeah.. I always hear that sleep help a lot all around, I just can’t seem to get much. But I’m trying things hear and there. Honestly I feel so drained all the time I can’t tell much difference. But, I try.
I’ve thought about therapy, it doesn’t sound like the worst idea, but there still are some transportation issues and I don’t feel like explaining to people where I need to go. I’ve seen things online too, but I dunno. I don’t know if I really need therapy or if I’m just being an idiot.
I’m into high fantasy, sci fi and horror stuff, shark movies. I’ve heard about most you’ve mentioned they might be a good watch, even just for background noise. Thanks for the suggestions and thanks for the reply :’)
You’re welcome, no problem. 🙂
As for therapy, just say you’re going to the library or something…most people won’t notice or care what you’re actually doing. Regards.
I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain. I wish I could give you an answer on how to atleast quiet those painful thoughts down. I don’t think your death would benefit anyone. Atleast I think so. I also don’t think you’re stupid or an embarrassment. I just think you’re in a lot of pain.
In regards to her not talking to you, that is not your fault. Not even close. It is her choice to ghost you. Her choice. Even if you did something that might have upset her, that gives her no right to do what she’s doing. If somebody doesn’t want to see you any more, they say something about it. It is basic human decency. I know she means a lot to you, but you have to separate her actions and choices from what’s in your control. Do not ever blame yourself for that. I hope you manage to find some closure. I really really really hope things get better for you. Even a little.
Thank you man… it’s been very rough lately, nights are hard. I am in a lot of pain, even if I think I’m all the other things.. but it’s also nice to know someone thinks I’m not, and that I’m at least okay.
I also appreciate what you said about her… I can’t help but see something and think of her, or have some crazy hope that maybe somehow we’ll run into each other in a store, just any sign of her. She’s been known to not be mentally well either, and I worry about her all the time. I really tried to help all I can… I really did. Just hope she’s alright, wherever she may be.
Just hard for me to think my life is benefiting anyone. Even in a neutral sort of way, I’m just not much of anything. Everything is hard. One can only hope for the best, I guess, until one day perhaps I finally snap and end it. Thank you for your kindness to me on here..
Your welcome. Another thing is I think you deserve to be loved properly and treated with respect. Whether she comes around or it’s someone else entirely, I hope you find it.